After I had my first child, I was in the hospital trying desperately to nurse him. We were struggling and my pediatrician came in to help out. By that I mean he stood over me telling me what to do. Then, when he saw me reach for a pacifier to see if he would take that so I could get a bit of rest he said, “No! That’s what you are for.”
At our first check-up less than a week later, he asked me how things were going in the sleep department. He was a “sleep expert” and handed me the book he had written on the topic after he signed it for me (something I didn’t ask for).
I told him it was going okay since he was able to fall asleep while I nursed him now. Nursing still really hurt me but I was determined to stick with it. Plus, it seemed like the only way I could get him to sleep, so I went with it.
He told me to immediately stop doing that
Then he ran down a list of all the things I should be doing to sleep train my child. I was still a soupy, hormonal mess, and I couldn’t take anything he said in. He explained everything was in his book.
I went home feeling so overwhelmed and like a failure
I felt like I had been doing everything wrong since the doctor told me over and over what a mess I’d be in if I continued to nurse him to sleep. Also, he didn’t approve of pacifiers, so that was out.
Nursing was incredibly painful for me in those first weeks and I didn’t like the fact my child depended on me to get him to sleep. My husband tried to help by walking him, trying a bottle, doing everything he could to give me a break, but he wanted my boob in his mouth.
This wasn’t easy for me and left me feeling depressed and at the end of my rope all the time, but you know what was worse? Putting him down for naps and at night time listening to him cry. It was excruciating. There was no way I was able to keep up with it, especially after the night he cried for almost four hours.
I felt like I was doing something wrong
None of the tips my “sleep expert” gave me worked. Not even a little bit. What they did do was make me feel inadequate and like I was failing my son by not “teaching” him to fall asleep on his own.
At our next appointment, I lied to my doctor. I told him everything he told us to do had worked and things were great. I did this because I wanted to get out of there and didn’t want him to know the truth. My husband went along with it. He knew how stressed I was and he was just as tired and upset.
Then he reminded me we could change doctors. I immediately went home and made a few phone calls.
After that I got some advice from a nurse I knew through our family. She lived far away and called me one afternoon to see how I was doing. I was still trying some of the tricks my ex-pediatrician had told me because I was genuinely fearful my baby would never learn to sleep without me and if we had other kids, I’d be damned if I let him depend on me for sleep.
She told me that my only job right now was to do what was best for me and my baby
“If holding him or nursing him until he falls asleep is working then do that. If he’s happier sleeping in your room, then do that.”
She assured me everything would be fine and I could sleep train him later if I wanted and that he would one day learn to fall asleep on his own.
She was right.
Around the time he stopped nursing at 10 months, he got pretty good at falling asleep on his own. I wasn’t passionate about making him fall asleep this way at every nap time and every bedtime, but I would pay attention to him. As soon as he seemed tired, I would nurse him and hold him for a bit until he became extra sleepy, then I’d put him in his crib. It didn’t work every time, but it did a lot.
And on those days and nights when he seemed to need more love and cuddling, I gave it to him and held him until he fell asleep without feeling anxious or guilty about it.
The best sleep advice I ever got was to do what felt right and realize that would change over time
I didn’t like hearing my newborn baby cry for hours. I didn’t like feeling like I was doing something wrong when I’d nurse him to sleep either. He could literally feel my stress during those times.
It wasn’t until I went with my heart and did what felt right for me and my child, that I began to relax about sleep.
If I can spread anything to a new mom, it would be that: realize you and your baby are specific and have specific needs. Listen to those needs and do what feels right. At the end of the day, it will all be okay.
