In 2005, I was a young, carefree magazine editor living in NYC – single, dating, and honestly, kids and marriage were the last things on my mind. I happened to catch Brooke Shields on TV talking about how lost and sad she was after having her first baby girl. My heart broke for her. I paid close attention to her Oprah Winfrey interview, secretly thinking, I’ve never heard of postpartum depression (PPD) before. It sounds really overwhelming — poor Brooke. I hope it never happens to me when I have a baby someday.
Oh, but it did
After birthing my older child in the dead of winter, I felt like a zombie that was hit by a truck. I loved my daughter but felt overwhelmed, lonely, and slightly disconnected from her. I had a baby? She’s mine? But I, myself, am a kid. I don’t know what to do with a baby.
I felt like everything I did for her was wrong. I went days without showering and felt waves of depression engulf me as I realized my days of just walking out the door and going anywhere I wanted to go, whenever I wanted to go, were over — for a long time. I was extremely tired, grumpy, and anxious because my daughter was a preemie, which could lead to developmental delay. I picked constant fights with my husband over everything. I hated how my once size 6 body looked post-birth. Many tears were shed. It wasn’t a pretty time.
Then I remembered Brooke
This was PPD. This was a real thing — she warned me about it. With a screaming baby in my lap, I called my old therapist and asked if we could do some phone sessions. I asked my sisters to please babysit when they could (I, of course, was too proud to ask for help for weeks), and I hired a cleaning lady. I even had my laundry sent out for wash and fold and didn’t give a crap if anyone judged me for it — I couldn’t handle even menial tasks like laundry during that time.
Eventually, around the time my daughter was about 7 months old, I felt better. I felt like ME again.
After Brooke, not many celebs spoke about PPD. I don’t know why — it bugged me. They all grinned and joked about being tired, but no one got as deep as she did.
Enter Nikki Bella, a former WWE Diva
Nikki hosts a podcast with her twin sister, Brie, in which she recently spoke about her struggles with postpartum depression after having her first baby with her fiancé, Dancing With the Stars pro Artem Chigvintsev.
Even though Nikki presents herself as this tough, sassy mama, she candidly spoke about how PPD kicked her ass and was something she really struggled with, especially with her fiancé away during the filming of his show. She shared how lonely motherhood can be — even when surrounded by friends and family — and how overwhelming.
To top it off, her baby had colic, which can mean nonstop screaming jags for hours. And like many of us, Nikki also struggled with her postpartum body and said she was too proud to ask anyone for help — even her own twin and fiancé. Her postpartum moods were so intense and she admitted that she even "hated" Artem at times.
I could relate to all of this — because I'd been there too.
And you may be there right now
If you’re suffering from PPD, please ask for help and remember it’s very common. Chances are you already know someone whose gone through it. Many therapists even specialize in PPD. And if you're friends with someone who recently had a baby, check in on them and ask, “How are you really feeling?” — and mean it. While it’s sweet to gush over baby, Mama needs some TLC as well and may just not know how to ask for it.
I love moms who rock their imperfections. I’m a big believer that when you open up about your own struggles, you’re helping others. Nikki, hang in there — you’ll be OK. You are definitely not alone. Thanks for opening your heart and helping the rest of us struggling mamas feel less alone.
