One month post-birth was a game changer for me. I woke up one morning, and my postpartum hormones hit me like a ton of bricks.
Post-birth, I felt almost euphorically happy. Max was the baby we had been waiting for — for years. He is the rainbow after our miscarriage storm last year. He is the light in our lives. My heart was so incredibly full right after I gave birth, and for the first three weeks I thought for sure I wouldn’t have postpartum depression symptoms this time.
I had already adjusted to being a mom and having that identity shift
I was used to not being able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I had already adjusted to being a full-time mom. I proactively encapsulated my placenta because I’d heard it helps with lessening PPD symptoms. I asked for help when I needed help. I was going on light walks and starting gently on the Peloton. I was happy. I woke up every day with just joy and love for this new baby.
Then, on Tuesday, I woke up and had heaviness in my heart. I wanted to cry and I didn’t know why. It had almost been four weeks post-birth, and life was honestly good. I felt supported, loved, and grateful to have this baby boy in my life, but I wanted to cry on and off all day for no reason. Even breastfeeding felt beautiful this time — something I never experienced last time with my first son, Eddie. Although it was my choice, breastfeeding felt like a chore. I didn’t love it the way I loved it this time.
I took the Edinburgh test for postpartum depression at my doctor's office, and so far I’m not past the baby blues
After sharing how I’m feeling on Instagram stories, I was blown away by how many other mamas have been through the same. I’m grateful for all the experiences other mamas have shared — it makes me feel less alone.
A lot of mamas seem to experience crying bouts about a month after birth. I know it’s normal, but I knew I needed to keep an eye on it. I am also craving real-life connections with from other moms. I was so looking forward to meeting other moms in my area who’d just had babies, too, and COVID was stealing that experience from me.
I loved my monthly Zoom meetups I did on Raw Motherhood with Belly Bandit
But there is nothing like meeting other moms in person. I loved having baby playdates and classes with Eddie, and I wanted to do the same with Max. It makes the first year of being a mom so much easier when you have some mom friends who just get where you are mentally and emotionally. It was always a safe space for honest conversations and where your little one could start socializing.
I was also missing connecting in real life with friends and family because of COVID-19. I was under strict orders from the pediatrician to practice social distancing with the baby, or have people wear masks, but no one other than my hubby, Eddie, or me could hold the baby, and that was heartbreaking. I just wanted to go out to dinner and do some retail therapy. I miss life pre-COVID-19. I’m sure all of this is playing into my hormones being out of balance, but I know I am not alone in desperately craving in-person connection.
I did dive back into doing a segment on baby must-haves for KTLA
That was a big highlight for me this week. It felt good to do my hair and makeup and put on a dress. It was a nursing dress, but it was still a dress. Love the Nom Maternity ones. I was a little nervous about not being available to nurse Max for the five-minute segment, but my hubby is a baby whisperer and we got it done. I shared my favorite items we have used this past month, which include:
- The Snoo: The bassinet from the Happiest Baby that helps you get sleep, too
- The 4Moms Mamaroo
- Uppababy Vista 2 stroller system
- Ergobaby Embrace carrier
- Solly baby wraps
- Fawn baby diaper bags (I love that they are vegan leather and are designed beautifully. You can’t even tell it’s a diaper bag.)
- Paperclip Life diaper bag that’s in my hubby’s car. It has a fold-out changing station.
- Aden and Anais swaddles and blankets, which I use for everything. Covering the baby, swaddling the baby, and as an impromptu nursing cover.
- Covered Goods 4-1, which I have been using over the carseat to essentially act as a face mask for the baby.
As a freelancer, it's hard to take a real maternity leave
I am learning to say no to work that doesn’t bring newborn mom/life harmony, but it is a new idea for me. Right now, my focus is on getting my hormones in check, not continuing down a path that might lead me to postpartum depression, and enjoying the precious newborn snuggles. They truly are delicious. Also, why do newborns smell so yummy?
Catch up here:
Diary of a 4th Trimester Mom: Week 1
