I’m sure you’ve read countless articles tackling Baby Registry Must-Haves, Baby Shower Themes, How to Prepare for Labor, Creating your Birth Plan…. Before giving birth, you think a lot about pregnancy and birth, but what about after the baby gets here? There are far fewer articles about how to become the parent you aspire to be or strategies to survive those early days as a new mom.
The truth of it is, your baby won’t care what their nursery looks like (not for the first few months at least), your birthing plan probably won’t go to “plan,” and you will be so exhausted after birth that you will forget about that overly packed hospital bag.
In retrospect, I wish I had focused more on what I would do after the baby arrived in order to better set my expectations and manage my time. I did read Emily Oster throughout my pregnancy. I dove into “Expecting Better” early on and “Cribsheet” closer to the big day. I would highly recommend both, with “Cribsheet” being the catalyst for me thinking about the type of parent I hoped to be once the baby arrived.
Here are the top 10 things I wish I knew, or thought of, before giving birth:
1. Breastfeeding can be harder than you'd imagine, it’s OK to give up or skip it entirely
Before giving birth, you’ll probably have a plan for feeding your baby — but things often don’t go according to plan. Your sanity is, and should always be, the number one priority. If breastfeeding is driving you crazy, I’m here to tell you it’s 100% OK to give it up for your sake and the sake of those around you. There is no shame in switching to formula. All that matters is that your baby is well-fed and gets the nutrients they need.
If you plan to breastfeed, here are some things to think about now:
- Does your hospital offer breastfeeding consultations?
- Do you have access to lactation consultants through your insurance? If not, are you willing to invest in getting external support?
- Will you introduce bottles? When will you introduce them? Who will help with feedings?
- Being the only source of food can be exhausting, so rest when you can!
- Along with underproducing, some women may overproduce. If that’s you, prepare for leaking and spraying!
- Know that both pumping parts and bottle nipples come in different sizes and flows, so make sure you are using the right ones for yourself and your baby!
- Registry tip: Don’t waste time adding nipple creams! The best solution for chapped nipples is your own milk and maybe a little coconut oil!
2. “Sleep when the baby sleeps” is the most unrealistic advice out there!
If you’re anything like me, the only time to get anything done is when the baby sleeps! You might have heard your newborn baby will sleep soundly for 3–4 hours at a time in a bassinet next to your bed. They’ll wake up, you’ll feed them, and everyone will go gently back to sleep…. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Most babies only go 1.5–2 hours between feedings, and not all babies like the sleeping arrangement you so thoughtfully chose for them.
As it relates to sleep, here are some things to think about now:
- If your baby won’t sleep in the arrangement you chose before giving birth, are you prepared to put them somewhere else? You might opt for placing them in the crib in their nursery, moving their crib to your bedroom, or maybe bed-sharing (a socially controversial choice). What is acceptable and what you are willing to do to get some sleep is up to you.
- Discuss with your partner how you will work together to maximize sleep. Will you take shifts? What will that schedule look like? Will you sleep in different rooms?
- Will you implement sleep training? If so, when will you start? What will the process look like? Will you implement the cry-it-out method?
3. Your body may change in size, including your feet
You are probably mentally prepared to lounge around in cozy pregnancy/postpartum gear after the baby arrives and to go up a size or two in clothing. But did you know your feet can grow too? Hopefully, this won’t happen to you, but my feet dramatically changed! One foot grew an entire size, and changed from narrow to flat! I struggled with foot and leg pain until I finally saw a podiatrist; I’m now buying orthotic shoes in two different sizes while I wait to get custom shoes made — what a mess! Be prepared (just in case) to say goodbye to that amazing shoe collection you’ve been growing over the years.
4. House guests can be more work than help
We made the mistake of having our in-laws visit when our baby was just 4–6 weeks old. Before giving birth, we thought, as new parents, we could use the help! What we didn’t know is that we would get into a rhythm on our own, and having them around would actually make things harder for us. Don’t get me wrong, it was great to see them, and I’m happy they were able to meet our baby boy at such a young age… but hosting them, feeding them, and making sure they were comfortable was difficult to do in those early days! In the first few weeks postpartum, it’s already hard enough to just take care of yourself, let alone other people!
Of course, everyone’s situation is different, but for us, if we could turn back time, we would have waited to have house guests, maybe around the eight-week mark.
If you do decide to have visitors over:
- Will you require that your visitors are vaccinated (COVID, TDAP, etc)? Or will you hold off on visitors until your baby has received their shots? *Note that you will need to preselect your pediatrician prior to your baby being born. Make sure you are aware of the vaccination schedule.)
5. Your house will get messy and you probably won't have time to cook
There will be so much spit-up, drool, and diaper blowouts that you will do more laundry in one month than you have probably done in the past five years. You’ll go through burp cloths like nobody’s business — and somehow, it’ll just get messier when your baby starts solids. Dishes will pile up in the sink. The dishwasher load you ran will sit there clean for days. All those fresh groceries you bought will expire before you get to eat them.
You may need some help with basic chores, so here are some things to think about now:
- Will you hire a cleaning crew, learn to live with the mess, or find time to tag-team chores?
- Do you have money set aside to order in? Will you meal prep? Will you stock your pantry and freezer with Trader Joe’s specials? Can your friends and family set up a meal train?
- If you are a solo parent, do you have a friend, family member, or neighbor who can help with tasks?
6. Babies will cry a lot, and that’s OK
It’s hard to listen to your baby cry. And there will be a lot of crying. You’ll work through their cues as best you can: Are they hungry, dirty, sleepy, sick? Of course, sometimes it’s impossible to figure out why they’re crying, and it can hurt your heart (and your ears) if you can’t soothe them. Try your best to think of how cute they look when they cry! Remind yourself they are happy, they are fed, they are clean, they are loved, and sometimes babies just cry. Hopefully their cute face will be enough to help you get through it. If thinking happy thoughts isn’t enough, have a bluetooth headset to help block out the sound as you go through the motions to try to calm them.
If you hit a breaking point, place your baby in a safe space (like the crib) and walk away to get some peace and quiet for a few minutes. If you’re getting frustrated, it’s always better to put your baby down and reset, then pick them back up when you’re calmer. Maybe use this time to finally take a shower and prioritize yourself! If you’re lucky, by the time you return, they will be fast asleep.
7. You will probably get bored of the routine and the silence
Taking care of a newborn baby is monotonous and time-consuming, in the most boring of ways! There will be downtime when they nap for hours on end. You might be surprised by how quiet it is, especially if you are used to a busy workplace or tons of Zoom calls.
How will you pass the time? Here are some things to consider:
- Will you listen to podcasts? Scroll on social media? Binge a new TV show?
- Do you feel comfortable watching TV in front of your newborn? If so, which type of shows? How loud will you keep the TV? Will you opt for subtitles?
- Will you play music? What kind of music will you play? What volume level? Is ’90s rap OK? Or are you more comfortable with instrumentals?
- It doesn’t hurt to have a few preselected shows and Spotify playlists ready to go that you and your partner have both vetted.
- Will you leave the house? Where will you go?
- How soon do you plan to go out and begin to socialize your baby?
As hard as it may be to leave the house those first three months, it’s also the easiest it’s going to be for the next few years. So take advantage of your baby not being able to crawl yet, and if you’re up for it, maybe check out that local farmers’ market or aquarium!
8. Childcare is expensive and daycares have waitlists
Family leave ends almost as quickly as it begins. With the costs of childcare consistently on the rise, what will you and your family decide to do when return-to-work starts closing in?
- Will you or your partner decide to become a stay-at-home parent?
- Will you search for a nanny or host an au pair?
- Will you consider early daycare? If so, know that many daycares have waitlists! Many parents apply while pregnant.
- If you are planning to lean on the support of local family members (parents, siblings, aunts/uncles), have the conversation with them ahead of time to ensure everyone is on the same page. Set up a schedule so you don’t have to take it day by day.
When the time comes, you could change your mind. It’s hard to part with your little one! Starting with a game plan — timeframe, budget, needs — will give you some peace of mind.
9. Being on the same page with your partner is everything
Having a baby is life-changing. It’s important to talk through some of these essential topics before the baby comes: breastfeeding, bottle feeding, sleep schedules, crying it out, cooking, cleaning, visitors, vaccines, screen time, music, outings, daycare, etc.
Determine a game plan for what to do when a disagreement occurs, because it will! Do you plan to argue in front of the baby? Will you place the baby in a safe place and argue in another room? What is important to you both when it comes to communication and what example do you want to set?
10. You will need solo mom time
Having a baby is challenging and very time-consuming. You might forget yourself in the process. It’s important to be cognizant of that upfront and come up with ways to make time for yourself.
Work with your loved ones to schedule some “me time.” Take a bath, read a book, go to an exercise class, get a massage, have a cup of tea, take a walk outside, or meet up with other mom friends to discuss new parent challenges.
Prioritizing your mental, physical, and emotional health is so important and is easy to overlook! Don’t forget to take care of yourself. Because of you, a new wonderful creature has entered this world — you deserve to celebrate and be celebrated!
