How To Let Your College Kid Go

For a parent, it's never easy to watch a child leave for college. For the child, however, it's an exciting time, one that shouldn't be stifled by helicopter parenting. If you're excessively concerned, your anxiety over your child's well-being could actually handicap her ability to live and function in the world, says Melody Brooke, Texas-based family counselor. "The greatest gift you can give your children is to believe in them," she says.

By the time your child reaches college, he should be well on the way to managing himself, says Brooke. It's important for parents to put trust into their college student. "Trust that they're capable of making good choices," says Brooke. "If you don't trust that, then at least trust they'll know how to get help. Accept that you cannot control their choices."

College is a time when your teen will discover her strengths and weaknesses. With your encouragement, she can succeed on her own. "Listen to their frustrations and empathize, and reassure them that they can handle it," recommends Brooke. "Make sure they know that if they're really in trouble, they can rely on you to help them figure out what to do, but that you're not there to rescue them."

RELATED: College Prep: Communication

Realize that when you let your child exercise his independent decision-making skills, you're actually helping him become an adult. At college, he must decide when to complete homework, wash laundry, clean his room and how to budget money. "Part of being an adult is making decisions for yourself, and it's imperative that you let your child develop this skill," says California-based psychotherapist Christina Steinorth.

Resist the urge to contact your college student more than once a week. "Keep the lines of communication open [but give] your child more space," says Steinorth. "They'll be more inclined to come to you for conversations if they don't always feel like you're watching over them." Discuss a mutual day and time to check in and provide updates, but keep in mind that your child's schedule may require some flexibility periodically.

Your teen has learned from your actions as a parent. By modeling self-sufficiency, you give him a prime example of how to survive on his own. "Recognize that each individual — including your child — has his or her own style and tempo," says Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist. "If you think you can do it better than your son, you're in trouble because the impulse will always be there, urging you to take over. Own up to it and then cool it." Let them stride on their own.

RELATED: Weirdest College Rituals

Even though it may be difficult to watch your child stumble and fall, as a college student, she will. And she will also get up and learn from the challenges — grades, assignments, roommates and social activities. "Even as you're watching them make a mistake from a distance and want to warn them of it, the only way for them to really learn is to get dirty, to get hurt and realize they can push beyond it," says clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula.

As the parent of a college student, it's distressing to see your child suffer from homesickness. Although it may be tempting to ask him to come home at the first sign of it, resist the urge, says Durvasula. "Even if they want to run home, have them push through the discomfort and reassess in six weeks," she says. "By making them stick it out and giving them the freedom to find their own way, they will create a new home for themselves at college."

The pressure of college will likely stress out your child at some point in her college career. It's important, though, to let her manage things herself, own her academic experience. Avoid contacting your college student's professors or academic counselors. This is something she needs to own and handle herself. "Make sure they're aware of the services available if they begin to struggle," says therapist Shari Goldsmith. But in the end, allow them their battles. "This is how they develop their resilience," she explains.

RELATED: College Prep: Getting Emotionally Ready

While it's inevitable you'll miss your college student, keep in mind that he doesn't need the pressure of knowing you're struggling without him at home. Gentle words of kindness and care packages will surely make him smile, but emotional conversations may be too much, says Goldsmith. "When the two of you communicate, refrain from being overly emotional about how much you miss [him]," she recommends. "Don't make your child responsible for your emotional needs."

Now that your nest is empty, it's time to cope by taking care of yourself. "Find other outlets and find your own purpose in life," advises Goldsmith. Take up a new hobby, join a new group, rediscover your relationship with your husband or adopt a pet. "Do some soul searching and take an honest look at [yourself]," says Goldsmith. "Are you doing what's best for your daughter or son or are you serving your own needs?"