I miss my baby.
The thought came and attacked me the first night my youngest was sleeping in his own bed. Having co-slept with both of my kids, its ending hit me harder than I thought it would.
Co-sleeping always made the most sense to me as they both nursed to sleep, were hard to put down, and just wanted to cuddle. I nursed my youngest to sleep in his bed and left that night. It was just like I’d been doing at naptime for weeks, but this felt different.
I was OK until I tried to go to sleep myself
It really hit me when I was lying in his spot and the thought above came along with the tears. He was no longer a baby, but yet would always be my baby. He’s 2, but still a baby — in so many ways.
I missed the warmth of his body and the way he likes to tangle his legs in mine. I missed his mere presence. They often say that babies are your heart walking around outside your body, but I never fully understood this sentiment until that moment. It felt like my heart was far away from me in another room when he was usually never far from my side.
I felt guilty for not wanting to cuddle with my husband
It’d been so long, but it was now unfamiliar. We tried cuddling for a bit, but soon moved back to our respective sides of the bed because we were so used to sleeping in other positions to accommodate our son between us. I was used to cuddling with my baby, not someone full grown, and it was awkward. I didn’t know how to lay, and once he fell asleep, I moved back to my old spot on the edge of the bed. Away from my son’s spot. The bed suddenly felt huge without him.
I kept telling myself it wasn’t really over. He still nursed at night. He’d wake up and be back next to me soon. I kept telling myself to sleep and that the process was just beginning — but I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake, waiting for him to wake up and need me. Waiting to cuddle him and go to sleep myself. My brain was too busy and sad.
The thought that I missed my baby was a loaded one
It’s not one that I was expecting, and it’s not just about him moving to his room. It’s about it all. It’s a reminder of the passage of time.
How long until he stops nursing? Stops cuddling all together? While I know that babies grow quickly, it feels like time has accelerated since having kids. It’s like I blinked, and another season is over.
It’s a constant tug-of-war between my heart growing in the next room and the space he left behind. It will never be filled no matter how much time goes by. With your last baby, you mourn more as milestones whiz by you. It’s not that I don’t mourn the older one’s loss of babyhood, but I was too tired and busy with a newborn to notice.
While his former spot in my bed grows cold, I remind myself to live in the moment. There is plenty more to look forward to as the kids continue to grow. Some of those milestones can be as difficult as they are exciting. He will still always be mine — whether he’s a baby or not.
