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Ah, tantrums. Almost every child has them and every parent dreads them. One minute, you're going about your day, shopping for groceries or getting your kid ready for bed, and the next, your otherwise sweet-tempered toddler is screaming and crying and making a fuss over something.
The bad news? Tantrums are very common, particularly between the ages of 1 and 3. (There's a reason the phrase "terrible twos" exists.) But that's also the good news, because it means that other parents have been where you are now and can empathize and offer advice to help you cope.
1. Stay calm
This is easier said than done, obviously, but it may be the most important thing you can do for yourself and your child. "You can't problem-solve when you’re upset — your IQ drops about 30% when you are angry," pediatrician and child psychiatrist Dr. Steven Dickstein told the Child Mind Institute, adding that self-soothing techniques such as deep, slow breathing may help parents keep a level head when their kids can't.
"Tantrums can be pretty activating emotionally at times, especially if I'm tired, rushed, or already irritable," Annie Munson-Phelps, a mom of two, told Mom.com. "I'd say the most important thing for me is to regulate myself — slow down, deep breaths, stay compassionately detached."
Another tip: If you're in public when a tantrum happens, try to get yourself and your child to a safe space. It'll be easier for you to stay calm if you feel in control of the situation.
2. Don't escalate
It may be tempting to try to yell over your child or respond to their anger with anger of your own, but experts say you should resist that urge. Increasing your volume to match theirs is likely to just make a bad situation worse (and much louder) than it needs to be.
"Escalating back to the child is not helping anything, because that's more sensory information that is going to make them go nuclear," Philadelphia-based family therapist Tricia Ferrara told CNN. "The calmer and clearer you can be, the better things will go."
3. Let your child feel their feelings
Tantrums frequently happen because toddlers don't know how to deal with or express their feelings. That's where you come in. "I recognize it is my job as a parent to guide my kids through big emotions in the same way I guide them through learning to use the toilet or put on their clothes," Amy Knierim, a mom of two, told Mom.com. "People tend to think kids should just naturally know how to have this control, and they just don't. When a young child is truly so upset that they seem to be out of control, it's because they are. Their lower brain functions have taken over and their brain is flooded with stress hormones."
That's why it's important to acknowledge, address, and work through the feelings — anger, frustration, fatigue, etc. — that most often lead to tantrums. "I want my kids to have permission to feel all their feelings, especially the uncomfortable ones," Munson-Phelps explained. "I don't like the idea of distracting them from their emotions too much. I want to give them the tools to manage their hard feelings and not give them the message that I'm afraid of their emotions, can't handle them, or will reject them for their emotions in any way."
4. Set limits
Letting your child feel their feelings is important, but that doesn't mean they should have free rein as far as their behavior is concerned. "We talk a lot about how it's OK to feel all feelings but we want to work on how we respond to feelings," Munson-Phelps said. It's fine, for example, to yell "I'm mad!" but not acceptable to hit or kick another person.
Experts also say you should resist the urge to give in to your child's demands. So, if the tantrum is the result of you refusing to buy a certain toy or snack, don't buy the toy or snack just to get them to calm down. "Even if it only works 5 out of 10 times that they tantrum, that intermittent reinforcement makes it a very solid learned behavior," Dr. Vasco Lopes told the Child Mind Institute. "They’re going to continue that behavior in order to get what they want."
5. Encourage them to use their words
Your toddler probably can't string together full sentences that convey the breadth of their emotional turmoil, but they can understand, respond to, and in some cases express basic commands. Asking questions and encouraging communication can help your child feel more in control of both the situation and their emotions.
Erin Kravitz, who has a 2-year-old, said she deals with tantrums by guiding her daughter through simple, productive tasks. "Once she starts to calm down, I try to get her to ask for what she wants or ask her if she's ready to do XYZ thing: 'Are you ready to put on your shirt now?'" Kravitz told Mom.com. "And eventually she just says yes and moves on with her life."
6. Make a plan
Obviously, you can't always predict when a tantrum will happen or what will trigger a meltdown. But there are steps you can take to lessen the likelihood of an outburst, or at least be prepared to defuse one once it starts. For example, if you notice that tantrums tend to happen when your kid is overtired, try to get activities or errands out of the way earlier in the day, before the exhaustion really settles in. Or if hunger is a frequent trigger, make sure you always have snacks on hand. It also may help to keep toys and other distractions at the ready, to head off any boredom or satisfy a need for entertainment.
7. Talk with your pediatrician
If you're concerned that your toddler's tantrums are out of control or interfering with your ability to care for them safely, consult your doctor. The Mayo Clinic notes that kids generally have fewer tantrums as their self-control improves, so if tantrums worsen after age 4, it may be a sign that there's something else going on. According to the Cleveland Clinic, you should also seek help if your child puts themselves or other people in danger during a tantrum, holds their breath during a tantrum, or has frequent headaches, stomaches, or anxiety.
