Saying that life changes after you have kids is like saying the sun will set in the evening or that if you touch a hot stove, you will burn yourself.
Many things change: your schedule, your sleep routine (what sleep?), your eating habits, your patience, your frequency in taking showers. The list goes on and on. But included in all these changes are also things we don't usually think about. Have you noticed that normal, everyday objects now have different uses?
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- Bed
Before Kids: A bed is used for sleeping, resting and lying supine in silky amazing expensive pajamas or even naked—butt naked. It's a place where magical, mind-blowing, freaky deaky diddy happens whenever you feel like it.
After Kids: A bed is a torture chamber that teases you with a soft surface, pillows and the prospect of sleep but then deprive you of it through short, swift, sharp kicks to the eardrum and temples by little feet that have wandered in in the middle of the night.
- TV
Before Kids: A TV is used for high-definition entertainment from which one can enjoy any film or TV show desired—including those with insane CGI like what's used in "Game of Thrones"—with her feet up and a glass of wine.
After Kids: A TV is used to display images of a family of cartoon pigs day and night. Oink.
A bathtub is place to quickly cleanse yourself before your house is destroyed or a young child eats a crayon.
- Bathtub
Before Kids: A bathtub is a place to be filled with bubbles and surrounded with candles while listening to Sade or anything tender while you decompress.
After kids: A bathtub is a place to quickly cleanse yourself before your house is destroyed or a young child eats a crayon. It's a basin for washing young, uncooperative children wherein they may possibly pee or poo.
- Cellphone
Before kids: A cellphone is a device on which you may store and find valuable information and from which you can make important phone calls and send emails.
After kids: A cellphone is a Toca Boca device.
- Yoga pants
Before kids: Yoga pants are pants you wear when you are doing yoga.
After kids: They're just pants.
- Purse
Before kids: A purse is a small container, usually very fashionable, in which you hold and carry around your valuables.
After kids: A purse is a Shopkins, Target receipts, rock collection, used wet wipes, half-eaten granola bars and crumbs container.
- Living room
Before Kids: The living room is a place to entertain guests or to relax and have sophisticated conversation about things like politics and travel.
After kids: The living room is a toy junkyard used to house play with kitchen sets, art easels and blanket forts.
- Camera
Before kids: A camera is used to capture beautiful scenery, landscapes and portraits of those you love or those who you find interesting.
After kids: A camera is used only to take photos of kids.
- YouTube
Before Kids: YouTube is site where you can watch any type of video content from all over the world. It's a place where you can learn DIY crafts, cooking, breakdancing and how to assemble an Ikea dresser. YouTube houses endless amusement and entertainment.
After Kids: YouTube is place where video after mind-numbing video of people opening chocolate and Play-Doh-covered eggs live and slowly turn children into zombies.
- Walls
Before Kids: Walls are used for building support and to create privacy and noise barriers.
After Kids: Walls are a big and perfect canvas for Sharpies.
- Car
Before Kids: A car is used to drive to restaurants, theaters, parties and to Vegas.
After Kids: A car is used to drive to school, swim lessons, piano lessons and kids’ birthday parties.
- Bathroom
Before Kids: A bathroom is a place to take care of personal hygiene and to take care of business, in peace, quiet and ALONE.
After Kids: A bathroom is a place to take care of business with a small person standing next to you/banging relentlessly on the door/shoving fingers underneath the door. It's also the place you sometimes lock yourself in for a few minutes to avoid losing your shit completely. Forget hygiene.
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- Home
Before kids: Home is a place where you spend time away from work and is used for sleeping and maintaining privacy from the public.
After kids: Home is a place that you prefer over bars and clubs most of the time. It's used for nightly dance parties, drying of tears, uncomfortable coming of age talks and battling the boogie monster. Home is where dinners are consumed together, family slumber parties happen and irreplaceable memories with your children are made.
