I have a 19-month-old daughter, which means I have a toddler. The thing about my toddler is that she is fickle, and her mood can turn on a dime. And, although she may be the cutest damn thing you've ever seen in your life, she can also rage like a rabid dog on speed. And that's not so cute.
The other thing about a toddler is, many times you cannot predict what will set them off and send them into these wild, inconsolable fits of tantrum fury. Here are some of the latest things that have set my toddler off that, prior to having a toddler, I would not have guessed would have done so.
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1. My Collarbone
Some days, it's not wanting to take a nap which leads my toddler to have to a meltdown. Others, it's because I have a collarbone. My daughter came in, so happy and cute, for a hug. There I was crouched, arms wide open to receive her. Smiles all around. But when she fell into my arms and gently bumped her face on my collarbone she got really annoyed. And then she started to angrily bat at it while wearing a look of pure disgust. And then when she couldn't tug my collarbone out of my body, she got really mad. Then she completely lost her shit. Because I have a collarbone.
2. Lightbulbs
Because I wouldn't allow her to use them for pillows. (Yes, "How did she get her hands on lightbulbs" IS a legitimate question.)
3. Me, Looking at Her Food
Too intensely, I guess. It's weird that she can go ballistic when my eyes happen to point down and land their stare on the tasty food that I prepared for her. It's not like I ever freak out when she takes food off my plate, puts it in her mouth, chews it halfway, takes it out of her mouth and puts it back onto my plate.
4. My Reaction to Pain That She Herself Caused Me
My daughter bit me one day as I was reaching under the table to get a rogue Corn Pop. She bit my back meat which hurt a lot, so I shrieked. And then I turned around and gave a firm, "NO, Stella! You don't bite people's back meat!" She fought back with a "NO!" and then a scream of her own, which then resulted in a full-blown tantrum. I realize that she just bit me out of excitement and that the whole aftermath startled her to tears — but, dude, she bit ME.
5. Changing the Radio Station When Trey Songz' "Nana" is on.
Or not changing the radio station when John Legend's "All of Me" is on. Apparently, she's more "street" than "sentimental."
How dare one of her blueberries roll into and rest against one of her strawberries. How dare it?
6. When I Wear a Romper
She loves to rub her face on my bare belly and a romper does not have good belly access. Sometimes the meltdown will start as early as when she sees me take one out of the closet. And then I'm like, "Listen, I can't stop wearing rompers just because they bother you. I have to live my life."
7. Jake and the Neverland Pirates
She can't stand that boy-band-looking pirate. And honestly, neither can I. They really need to cast someone who looks like he could at least change an animated tire or who doesn't deep condition his luscious animated hair. My daughter either runs away or cries whenever the show comes on.
8. Minding My Own Business When She Wants Me to Watch Her Dance
Sometimes, when she's in that kind of mood, my 19-month-old daughter will get PIIISSSED if you don't watch her dance — no, scratch that — if you don't happen to be looking at her the moment she decides to break out in dance.
9. When Ice Cream Is Just Being Ice Cream
There's nothing my daughter loves more than holding an ice cream cone in her chubby little hands. But there's also nothing she hates worse than having ice cream drip onto her hands or anywhere outside the cone. She comes unraveled, undone. And then you curse your decision to buy the ice cream. And then the ice cream is all over your daughter's curly hair, and then it's all down your arms and in your hair … and somehow even dripping into your purse. And then you curse the day ice cream was ever created. Because it is dumb that the humans that love it the most have tongues too little to keep up with it. And also because you are lactose intolerant.
10. When Her Blueberries Touch Her Strawberries
How dare one of her blueberries roll into and rest against one of her strawberries. How dare it?
11. Her Own Saliva
The other night, she needed a different spoon for every food item … and, I gave in and gave her four spoons because she gave me a, "You'll be sorry for this, I swear" kind of look, and I wasn't in the mood to deal with that kind of trauma.
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The crazy thing is that these same things could, on any other day, elicit a completely different reaction. But hey, that's the story of the exciting life of being a parent. You never quite know what will happen next, be it laughter or lethal leg kicks.
