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Losing a child in a miscarriage or stillbirth causes deep grieving and emotional stress. Despite how common it is, society has yet to normalize the process of recovery for parents who have lost a child in this way.
If you’re going through it, you likely know that you need help, and you may want to seek comfort from a bereavement or death doula. What is a death doula? They are a bereavement specialist who helps a person or family deal with the transition from life to death. While the death doula can also refer to hospice scenarios, many women who have lost a child due to miscarriage or stillbirth turn to these specialists for help.
How does a bereavement doula assist with the grieving process?
Doulas in general help women through pregnancy, and a bereavement doula can help a woman deal with the end of a troubled pregnancy. The bereavement doula is specially trained to understand loss so that they can provide comforting words and encouragement to women frozen by loss.
A woman can hire a bereavement doula at different points of the pregnancy or post-delivery. Some women know that their baby will be stillborn and hire the bereavement doula after getting this news but before the delivery actually happens. The doula helps the mom to prepare for the delivery and then through the delivery. She is there for the entire process and serves as emotional support so that the mom can get through the difficult process of delivering a stillborn child. A bereavement doula can also assist with practical tasks like filling out death certificates and helping with funeral arrangements.
Others may only discover the loss after delivery. Getting a bereavement doula at this time will help moms deal with the shock of the loss. “They can assist you during pregnancy and after delivery. The important thing is to remember that they are there to support you and provide help through every stage,” Nathalie Walton, CEO of Expectful, told Mom.com.
Moms often need to learn to talk about the loss as they have many friends and family that will be concerned and ask innocent questions. The bereavement doula can also talk to the family to help them become a stronger support group for the mom.
Bereavement doula: Support for pregnancy loss
In a time of loss, you need support and a bereavement doula can help. Hannah Pierce shared her story with Mom.com. “When our second baby was stillborn, I was an absolute wreck.” Hannah explained that both her partner and her were barely able to function but still had a toddler to care for. “There is such a stigma around child loss and this expectation that you need to shoulder it alone,” she continued, explaining that it isn’t always possible to deal with the situation on your own.
“We knew that we needed to hire a bereavement doula before we even left the hospital, and are lucky that the woman that came for us helped us immensely,” Hannah said, and shared that the doula not only had the right words to comfort her and her partner, but was there to help with the care of her toddler when Hannah couldn’t even get out of bed.
As a family, you don’t have to be alone in a time when you are overcome with a lot of different emotions that include numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt, and sadness. There’s a lot to process when you lose a baby and the bereavement doula can help you through that journey.
Resources: How to find a death doula near me, questions to ask
Finding a death doula can be an overwhelming task. Start by asking nurses and hospice care workers if they have any recommendations. You can also use the search directory on the International End of Life Doula Association's (INELDA) website.
Don't just hire anyone. Asking questions and interviewing the death doula is important. In fact, you probably want to talk to two or three death doulas before you make a final decision to get the perfect person for your family.
Some questions to consider when interviewing death doulas:
- What is your experience and how long have you been doing this?
- What certifications do you hold?
- What is your philosophy about death?
- Why did you choose to become a death doula?
- What is included in the services? What isn't?
- What are your fees?
- How do we communicate with you?
Expect to pay anywhere from $25 to $100 per hour for a death doula. The range accounts for the experience and location of the individual you hire.
Pregnancy loss: Words of comfort for miscarriage
If you are not experiencing loss but supporting someone who is, finding the right words to say to someone — especially when they've lost a child — can be hard. You want to express your condolences but fear that you will say something that can make mom and dad feel worse. Simply saying, “I’m sorry” is a starting point. You might offer, “This must be really difficult for you.” This provides comfort and empathy.
You want to stay away from trying to minimize the situation with things like, “You can always have another baby,” or “It wasn’t meant to be.” Moms will have a hard time processing these things because they want the baby that they lost and don’t understand why it couldn’t happen.
