Pregnancy is a wild ride.
Your body is constantly changing, growing, popping. Hormones are running free keeping you at their mercy. You’re up one day, down the next. You feel like a glowing beautiful divine female today—but, tomorrow, you’ll feel like Gollum from "Lord of the Rings."
If ever you are prone to people getting on your nerves, it’s now. Things that would have been annoying before you were pregnant become 100 times more annoying. And the number-one culprit is often your beloved husband.
Sure, you know it’s hard for him to understand exactly how you feel, but you have limited sympathy. Because honestly, whatever he's feeling cannot compare to the room-spinning nausea, relentless heartburn, epic exhaustion, mood swings, rib kicks and throbbing crotch pain that is your life for nine-plus months.
Here are just 19 things that your husband may do while you're pregnant that make you feel like killing him.
- When he leaves two-and-a-half squares of toilet paper at the end of the roll.
This ignites rage in the core of any woman’s being. But especially when you're pregnant. Pregnant women pee. A LOT. It’s a pain in the ass to wake several times a night or drop what you’re doing to waddle to the toilet to relieve yourself for the 79th time. That toilet paper should always be at the ready.
And if you’ve just pooped? All pregnant women know that healthy pooping when you’re pregnant is more than a small victory. Not only does this mean you’ve managed to avoid or overcome constipation, but it also probably means you accomplished the deed while wincing through the hemorrhoids. So when you reach out for that toilet paper only to discover the remnants of a roll, you seethe at the thoughtlessness which seems like pure malice. You sit on the toilet and plot sweet revenge.
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- When he complains about a bad night’s sleep.
Oh, I’m sorry you tossed and turned a few times in the night, babe. That the neighbor’s dog barking startled you out of sleep and it took you 10 minutes to get back to slumber. How about sleeping on only your left side while tethered to a hot air balloon secured tightly under your belly skin?! How about trying to catch some zzz's in between the hourly trips to the toilet with heartburn, restless leg syndrome and jiu jitsu kicks coming at you from the inside out?!
How about DON’T YOU EVER COMPLAIN AGAIN, if you want to wake on your own in the morning and not because there is a pillow shoved tightly over your mouth and nose holes.
- When he’s sitting comfortably on the couch, drinking beer with wild abandon.
Perhaps he’s doing nothing but relaxing in the way he best knows how. But it’s in a way that is no longer available to you. And when you’re hormonal and uncomfortable as hell, it now seems so cavalier and insulting. Just his sitting there and drinking a cold one seems like an “in your face, pregnant wife!” And you just want to pour that delicious cold beer all over his dumb head.
- When he leaves his dirty dishes by the sink.
You think about how they’ll look broken over his head.
- When he makes a comment about the state of your home’s cleanliness or lack thereof.
You are exhausted and your sciatica pain is kicking your ass. You are doing what you can to keep it all together at home and at work. This kind of comment is like a dagger in the spleen to a pregnant woman. So much so that you could actually justify killing him by claiming self defense. See how quickly things can get dark when you piss a pregnant woman off? This kind of comment is off limits for the entire 10 months of the pregnancy. Period.
Anger like a fire burns in your veiny bosom. You seethe. And if he knows best, he will rush out and get more.
- When he frowns upon any purchase that would make your pregnant life easier.
You want that mermaid tail blanket you saw on Instagram? A $150 body pillow? Another case of that fine Belgian chocolate someone sent you for Christmas? Tickets to the Boyz II Men reunion concert? You go get it, girl. Because this is what you need and he’s not carrying the baby.
- When he wakes you by watching a late night rugby/football/etc. game.
Pregnant lady sleep is more valuable than diamonds and pearls, than Henri IV Cognac, than a selfie with Chuck Norris. So when he wakes you while watching a game being played in a different time zone in the wee morning hours, pregnant woman code says you can totally lose your shit and throw a rugby ball at his thoughtless nuts.
- When he forgets to bring the sauce with your nuggets.
Pregnancy cravings are for reals. And when you can’t live life until you taste that sweet-and-sour dunked nugget in your mouth, someone will suffer the wrath of a hungry pregnant woman. You can’t forget the sauce, dude. NEVER FORGET THE SAUCE!
- When he clearly has no idea how far along you are.
While you're keeping track of kicks, diligently reading daily updates on your pregnancy and always aware of what fruit or vegetable your baby resembles at any given moment, your husband is just living his life, free and easy, on track to get a healthy adorable baby out of the deal in a few months. And when he guesses the week randomly when you ask him how far along you are, you may roll your eyes and sigh yourself to death.
- When he's too busy to join you for a doctor’s appointment.
Oh, I’m sorry, I’m too busy to CARRY A GROWING HUMAN IN MY BODY FOR NEARLY A YEAR! Get your shit and get in the car, boy.
- When he says, “Calm down.”
He better duck or run or duck run.
- When he wants to “share” a meal and then eats 80 percent of it.
One, he’s really bad at geometry. And two, rude and gross.
- When he gives you bullshit like, “Sorry, babe, they were out of chocolate croissants.”
That’s no excuse. GO FIND THEM, THEN! If you haven’t been to at least three different bakeries, you haven’t even tried.
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- When he asks you what you did today.
See number 11.
- When he dares ask, “Why are you in such a bad mood?”
Remember in "The Exorcist," when the little girl’s head starts spinning?
- When he eats the last piece of ANYTHING.
Anger like a fire burns in your veiny bosom. You seethe. And if he knows best, he will rush out and get more.
- When I say out loud, “I need a massage,” three or more times and it doesn’t happen.
Your spouse is supposed to share in your joy and pain… and help relieve the aches and pains of pregnancy. Forget anticipating the need, just responding to a request is all we need. Again, you’d love to see him try this for just one day.
- When he responds to your venting with “This pregnancy is hard for both of us.”
This is never the thing to say. Is he serious? Is he aiming for sympathy? Is he trying to say it's hard putting up with our actual struggles and extra needs? Is he begging for a punch to the throat? Better hide.
- When he sleeps in when you already have young children.
OH. HELL. NO. Get yo ass up!
We know you could never understand how we feel, husbands. We do know you’re trying. But we’re pregnant and hormonal.
Try harder.
F'ing try harder.
