The Name Game
Naming a child is an agonizing process. Will this name sound as nice when she’s 30 years old instead of 3? Could kids make mean nicknames out of that name? Is this one too trendy? Is that one too traditional? In case you haven’t thought about this enough, we’ve rounded up 10 names with questionable meanings to further your amusement and paranoia. Cue audible groans as we ask: What’s in a name?
You might be surprised.
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Cecilia
Meaning: Blind (Latin)
The story: This name is the feminine version of Cecil, an old Roman name with Latin origins meaning "blind." Saint Cecilia is also the patron saint of musicians, which admittedly, sounds cool.
Why it’s cringe-worthy: While love may be blind, no one really wants to be known as dim-sighted.
Gideon
Meaning: Stump for a hand (Hebrew)
The story: Another Biblical name, Gideon refers to a judge who successfully led the Israelites in a battle against the Midianites.
Why it’s cringe-worthy: “A stump for a hand,” seriously? Need we say more? But despite its less-than-stellar meaning, Gideon has actually been on an upward rise in popularity among parents. To each their own, we say.
Campbell
Meaning: Crooked mouth (Gaelic)
The story: This rough-and-tumble Scottish name historically refers to a Highland clan and its most distinctive feature: a crooked mouth, of course. In Gaelic cam means “crooked” and béul means "mouth."
Why it’s cringe-worthy: This one speaks for itself.
Portia
Meaning: Pig (Latin)
The story: Portia is a Latin name, derived from the word porcus or porcius, which, as you may have figured out, means "pig."
Why it's cringe-worthy: We'd explain why this name's meaning is a bit of a bummer, but surely you don't have to ask.
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Kennedy
Meaning: Deformed Head (Gaelic)
The story: Kennedy is a form of the masculine Irish name Cinnéidigh, which divides into two parts: ceann, which means "head," and éidigh, which means ugly.
Why it's cringe-worthy: Babies have perfect heads, and we don't need Kennedys thinking otherwise when they find out the hidden meaning behind their name.
Cameron
Meaning: Crooked Nose (Scottish)
The story: Cameron comes from two words in the Gaelic language: cam, meaning "crooked," "bent" or "hook," and shron, meaning "nose."
Why it's cringe-worthy: Nothing like giving your child a complex about his appearance before he reaches grade school…
Lorelei
Meaning: Lurking Rock (German)
The story: Lorelei can be divided into two parts: the German verb lauern, which means "to lurk," and the Celtic work ley, which means "rock." It's also the name of a rock on the Rhine river in Germany.
Why it's cringe-worthy: According to German legend, Lorelei was a siren who lured men's ships toward a rocky section of the Rhine where they'd crash and die. A little diabolical for our taste.
Calvin
Meaning: Bald (Latin)
The story: Calvin started out as the French last name Chauvin, which is derived from the word for bald: chauve. The name's most famous bearer was French theologian Jean Chauvin. His name was translated into the Latin Calvinus (calvus means "bald" in Latin), and in English he's known as John Calvin.
Why it's cringe-worthy: Well, it's sort of appropriate just after birth, but after that, the name's meaning probably (hopefully) won't fit the bill again until at least 40 years later.
Mallory
Meaning: Unfortunate, Luckless (French)
The story: Mallory comes from the old French surname Maloret, which means "the unfortunate one."
Why it's cringe-worthy: Something irks us about labeling a child as unlucky from the moment she enters this world. You know what they say about karma…
Avery
Meaning: Ruler of the Elves (Anglo-Saxon)
The story: Before it was a first name, Avery was an English last name, which itself was derived from the old French name Alfred. Alfred breaks down into the Old English words of aelf, which means "elf," and raed, which means "counsel."
Why it's cringe-worthy: On the plus side, if you're going to be an elf, you may as well be the ruler. On the negative side, we can't stop picturing mythical creatures and Middle Earth.
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Olivia
Meaning: Elf Army (English)
The story: Olivia was first used as a girl's name in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. While according to Latin interpretation it simply means "olive branch," Olivia is also known as a feminine version of Oliver—which means, yes, elf army. It comes from the Lower German name Alfihar, which breaks down into alf, meaning "elf," and hari, which means "army."
Why it's cringe-worthy: See name "Avery." (Apparently, elves are kind of a big deal in the realm of humorous baby names.)
Molly
Meaning: Bitter (Hebrew)
The story: Molly is a diminutive form of the biblical name Mary. When broken down into Hebrew, Mary uses the consonants M, R and R—which put together mean "bitter."
Lola
Meaning: Lady of sorrows (Spanish)
The story: Lola is the short version of the Spanish name Dolores, which is derived from the Spanish word dolores, meaning "sorrows."
Why it’s cringe-worthy: Besides the obvious connection to the sultry song most parents won’t want their little girl associated with, “Whatever Lola Wants,” there’s something just plain … sad, for lack of a better word, about starting out life marked as a woman of sorrows.
Leah
Meaning: Weary (Hebrew)
The story: This Hebrew name refers to the Leah of the Bible who was the unwanted first wife of Jacob (who really wanted her hot younger sister, Rachel, instead.)
Why it’s cringe-worthy: It’s a pretty-enough sounding name, and parents may be feeling tired those first sleep deprived months, but who really wants to look up their name in the future only to discover it means something so lackluster and negative?
