I went to a party this weekend and was discussing primal urges with a girlfriend who was intensely attracted to a new guy at work.
"I have trouble focusing! I was so hot for him the other day I went home at lunch and whacked off. I haven't done that in YEARS. I forgot what it was like to be horny!"
Now, many of you will think, "Ew, what is wrong with her?" or "Wow, her poor husband," but let me share something with you: Your husbands do this all the time. They stay up after you go to bed and masturbate to the cheerleaders for his sports team or the new girl at the coffee shop on the corner. You can pretend he doesn't, but why lie to yourself?
I know, "boys will be boys," but I'm personally fed up with the idea that men are these balls of jelly with no capability to control themselves. On the flip side, if sex makes them do crazy things, it must do the same thing for us!
Men masturbate in the shower to blow off steam, make themselves sleepy before bed or for no reason at all. Why do you do it? Oh, wait, you don't? WHAT???
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As my girlfriend described the evening she spent with herself while imagining she and her work friend were tearing each other apart on a beach in Hawaii, I watched the faces of the women around me. Some were mildly horrified while some looked queasy or like they were pretending not to listen. I was happy to be hearing that this woman was HUMAN and expressed herself using her body in a safe and pleasurable way many humans do. I wondered if she had a vibrator and she said she hadn't since she was single and is regretting it for the first time. Luckily they have them on Amazon Prime, I mentioned.
The other women were silent.
"What kind of vibrators do you guys have? I have a little pocket rocket in my nightstand that seems to do the trick when I'm in a hurry … "
No one spoke.
"Really, no one?"
Turned out no one else had one, and not only that, but they didn't masturbate.
"I don't need to, I'm married."
HA! So am I and I know what married sex is like—and it ain't like banging Henry Cavill in the back of a car or Charlie Hunnam in a dark bathroom at a party. Trust me, my pocket rocket and I know.
Should you feel guilty? NO. Think your husband does?
For the first time in my life I knew what this orgasm thing was and it blew my mind. … I didn't even know I wasn't having them. I just thought they weren't that big of a deal.
Now, if you have religious hang ups that prohibit you from masturbation, I'm very sorry for you. I encourage you to quit gossiping about the mom at school who feeds her kids candy for dinner, don't work on Sundays and immediately cut yourself off from the Kardashians. Do not covet what others have!
Sorry, I digress. What I'm saying is that you should do it. God will still love you, because loving yourself is loving him. It's a fact.
I still remember when I was a sophomore in college and my roommate gave me a pink rabbit vibrator as a gift.
"What do I do with this?" I asked her.
"You'll figure it out."
I went into the bathroom in my bedroom because I didn't want anyone to hear anything as I lay on the floor in the dark holding this contraption that looked like a flashlight you'd buy a kid at Disneyland—pink, shiny, bright … maybe a tiny pink light saber?
Then I did it. For the first time in my life I knew what this orgasm thing was and it blew my mind. I knew what it felt like when it was on the way, and how it happened. The next boyfriend I had was the first I ever had an orgasm with. I didn't even know I wasn't having them. I just thought they weren't that big of a deal.
Flash forward a few years to motherhood.
I'm tired. I am heavier than I have ever been and my boobs do not hang out where they once lived. My husband doesn't work out anymore because he "forgets," and the last time I tried to get things steamy in the bedroom he asked if we could wait until after "The Daily Show." Needless to say I went to sleep because I cannot be horizontal for more than three minutes without dozing off.
Turning to my vibrator regularly has offered so many benefits. In a nutshell, it eases my aches, pains, and menstrual cramps, is a major stress reliever, helps me sleep and makes me feel fantastic. (Thank you happy endorphins!) There are ZERO downsides—no pregnancy, no diseases, no time commitment, no one touching you when they are sweaty and you really just want to go to sleep.
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When do I find time to masturbate? Easy. A few minutes alone, my pocket rocket and a vision of being trapped in a closet with Rick Grimes will usually do the trick in less than five minutes. Wonder how men do it so fast? They get to it and take care of business. Now you know. You're welcome.
So the next time your husband is working late and the kids are in bed, give yourself a little gift and drift off into sleep while you imagine Boris Kodjoe wrapped in a sheet and caressing your cheek in post coital bliss.
It's natural and everyone does it, but don't be scared if this is your first time. You figure it out amazingly quickly and it'll put quite a pep in your step.
What are you waiting for? Go get 'em, Tiger.
