Weird Stuff We Do to Our Lady Gardens

Do a quick Google search on the subject of "weird things we do to our lady parts" and pages and pages appear, proving that vaginas have been through a lot.

From bleaching to steaming to crazy ancient remedies, we women will do just about anything to our lady bits and put just about anything inside them. One Florida woman even stored a Donny Osmond poster inside hers.

Here are more weird things we've done down there.

Before a woman was “on the rag” she was on the wood. The original tampon didn’t come in small, medium and large, and it wasn’t wrapped in a pretty pink package that made it look like candy or a toy. The ancient Greek tampon was a bunch of lint wrapped around a stick. Yeah, I said stick. Now, how do you say “I have a splinter!” in Greek?

What a facial is to the face, a V-Steam is to your nether regions. For $75, you can go to a spa, sit on a steam machine that looks something like a toilet seat and give your lady parts some fresh, hot joy. Rumored to help boost fertility and improve your sex life, if nothing else the V-Steam will provide a great story the next time you’re invited to girls' night out.

Yes, goat bladder. Back in Greece in 120 AD, the king thought he suffered a curse that made his sperm turn into snakes and scorpions. So to protect his little Greek swimmers, he wrapped his man-stick in a goat’s bladder before getting jiggy with Mrs. King. It probably wasn’t that effective in warding off curses, but the goat bladder was the precursor to the modern-day condom. Trojan, get it?

It actually worked, using arsenic as contraception. That’s because arsenic is poison, causes cancer and makes pregnancy impossible. But in ancient China, they ignored the cancer part and just went with the birth control part. Years later, we now know that arsenic is probably not as effective as the pill.

What’s a merkin, you ask? Simply put, a merkin is a wig for your vagina. Used by celebs doing full-frontal nude scenes and prostitutes who had to shave their moneymakers due to a case of the creepy crawlies, merkins have been around for a very long time.

Long before the “Brazilian” bikini wax, there was the "Egyptian." The ancient Egyptians believed total body hair removal was good for cleanliness, and so they made a mixture of sugar, lime and water and heated it into a syrup, rolled it into a ball, flattened it into the skin and quickly removed it (and the Egyptian lady’s hair-down-there). So apparently the ancient Egyptians created the first bikini wax (and the first lollipop?).

In the sophisticated times of the 19th Century, a woman who stood up to her husband was thought to be “hysterical” and in need of immediate medical attention. A hysterical woman was also thought to be an irritable troublemaker with anxiety issues.

The treatment involved her doctor putting his hand up her skirt and, umm, releasing some tension until she was calm. All my OB ever did for me was run two hours late.

Thanks to variations of anatomy, not all women are eligible to partake in “hood piercing.” But those who are eligible claim to have increased stimulation after piercing the “hood,” the area above the clitoris. Helpful reminder: This is not the time to buy the “not real gold” earring. You’re welcome.

Sure, you use Lysol to clean the house. But ages ago, like the 1920s, women used Lysol to clean their vaginas. Marketed as a feminine hygiene product, it was also used as a form of birth control by way of vaginal douching. It also could make any vagina smell like pine or lemon zest. Just what a girl needs!

Who needs a billboard when you can have whatever message you want trimmed, clipped and waxed into your vag-fro. From the two G’s on the Gucci logo to your husband’s initials, anything is possible when you vajazzle.

Can’t find your keys? Want a place to store that prosthetic eye? Thinking of bringing a few bags of heroin across the border? Just put it in your vagina, like these ladies did! And to think you were going to pack light.

Back in the Dark Ages, women used to put severed beaver testicles on their beaver. Which at the time, was thought to keep a woman from getting pregnant. And in some odd way, it probably worked. Even a caveman isn’t that turned on by some dangling animal nuts hanging from his partner's lady-cave. So, yes, she didn’t get pregnant, but she probably didn’t get laid either.

Who knows how the rumor got started in the 1950s that Coke made an excellent spermicide. (Is that where they came up with the tagline “Have a Coke and a Smile"?) Anyway, it didn’t really catch on. Plus, all that fizzy stuff isn’t exactly good for a lady’s special place.