Life moves just as fast after you get a divorce. You're still the same person in your child's eyes, and your kids are still looking for safety and familiarity in their parents, regardless of what is unfolding around them.
One of the things that came to my mind while listening to Julie and Jesenia in this week's episode of Splitting Upward — as they discussed their kids' favorite mom-isms — was how my three kids tried to dig some of the old me out while we were going through the big life change of divorce.
Before my divorce, when life was status quo, if I had asked them too many questions about their school day, told them to go to bed at a decent hour, or took away their screen time until their room was clean, they'd fight me every time.
However, after their dad moved out, I noticed in my dark days (I had many), I'd be quiet and not try and get as much information out of them, or let things slide I never would have before.
It wasn't because I didn't care. I think my energy reserves were limited and it was all I could do to get them from school to lacrosse practice, remember to feed the dog, and take a shower. But your kids don't know that and they are looking for a sense of normalcy that's often found in their parents.
Instead of being fed up with me for getting after them about their behavior or the spilled juice, they were digging for my mom-isms. It made them feel like home and that everything was going to be OK.
One day, when my oldest made a comment about how I never make them clean the trash out of the car anymore, I realized how much kids thrive on the expected, on the routine, on the familiar.
I know for a fact my kiddos hate cleaning their room, but when I went a few weeks without bothering them about it, it made them feel uneasy and unsure. No, they don't like being nagged and would much rather not have to lift a finger around the house or listen to me remind them to behave each morning when I drop them off for school.
But our kids, regardless of what they say or how many eye rolls they throw our way, don't like the sound of us not being ourselves on the daily.
Divorce can suck some of the life out of us, for sure. It can do that same for our children, and I know the thing which makes them feel reassured and their life hasn't changed too much to continue to have the same expectations of them and express our mom-isms just as we normally would.
They are looking for their parents to shine through, even if it comes in the form of reminding them to close the chips properly and to change the hoodie they've been living in for four days.
So, if you're going through a divorce, remember your kids are looking to you to be your normal, nagging, annoying self.
Listen to Splitting Upward Episode 6:
