Remember way back when? Like, months ago? A time that can only be described as “before corona?” Try to stretch your mind back that far. It was March 13, the first day of spring break for the school districts where my husband and I work. We sat on the couch and watched the outbreak coverage and wondered what might be in store for us.
“I think they’re going to cancel school for a couple of weeks after spring break,” my husband commented. “That’s the rumor I’m hearing from my administration, anyway.”
I snuggled closer to him, and pulled my 4-year-old into the cuddle puddle as well. “OK, I’m going to say something terrible,” I sighed. “I hate myself for this, but I actually want them to cancel school so I can stay home with you two. Of course I wish this wasn’t happening, but I feel like this could be the one good thing to come from this situation.”
I looked at my husband over my daughter’s head. “Do you know what I mean? Am I a terrible person?”
He laughed. “No, no, no. I was just thinking the same thing!”
Looking back on this moment, I can’t believe how naive I was.
Even as our normal schedules deteriorated, as school was postponed and then cancelled for the rest of the year, we were somewhat used to all of the open time.
“It’s just like summer,” my husband reasoned. “We’ll be fine.”
Yet during a normal summer vacation, we’re doing things. Taking trips. Going to the pool. Taking our daughter to the playground or amusement parks or out on playdates. But this time at home, as I’m sure we all know, has been vastly different from any extended school vacation.
I thought we our marriage was prepared. We had our new house to work on. We’ve always gotten along relatively well. I was sure we’d be immune to the stress of the situation.
So stupid.
It wasn’t even two weeks later that we were both starting to feel the strain of being cooped up together 24/7. We began snapping at one another, and at our daughter, for no apparent reason.
Little things started driving me crazy. Why couldn’t he put down his phone games and put away some laundry? We were eating every single meal at home — it was his turn to do the dishes for once! Was he really going to watch yet another episode of Law and Order while I entertained our daughter in a different room so she wouldn’t get exposed to another gritty storyline?
I began to feel trapped. Every day was the same. The same routine, the same frustrations, the same annoyances. Though we were in the same house, the same room, feet from each other, communication broke down completely. Each of us, I found out later, seethed in our own spiral of negative thoughts, never broaching any conflict for discussion.
All of this came to a head when we had a fight about something so trivial that I can’t remember exactly what it was. After the arguing and the tears, after the calm down, he said to me, “I had no idea you felt this way.”
Once we’d calmed down enough to talk about it, it turned out the problems we had in our relationship — things like housework, the division of emotional labor, our sex life — had actually been there all along, for years even.
So that’s the lesson, folks — whatever problems you have in your relationship that haven’t been addressed yet will rear their ugly heads during this unprecedented time, no question. When you’re working and raising kids, it’s easy to push aside conflicts and complaints until you have “time” to address them. And when you’re sheltering at home, you have nothing but time — and no company but one another.
Many have said that there will be no going back to “how things were” before this whole thing, and they’re right. But I’m not just talking about masks and online school options here. With our relationships, we must learn the hard lesson that problems we shove to the side will eventually emerge, and we need to be prepared for another long stretch of time at home together — be it because of a resurgence of the virus or any other number of possibilities.
There’s no going back to sidelining conversations about what is bothering us, no more biting our tongues. In order for any marriage to survive being stuck at home 24/7, the lines of communication must be open wider than they’ve ever been.
