As someone who struggles with codependent tendencies, quarantine and the shelter in place orders brought back some of the issues I thought I had overcome. With my whole family at home and everyone constantly being in one another’s business, literally stepping on one another’s toes in the kitchen at times, my codependency decided it was the prime circumstance to make a comeback.
Motherhood breeds codependency
According to Harley Therapy, codependency is defined as “the habit of gaining your self worth from pleasing others.” Due to the nurturing aspects inherent in motherhood, many moms display codependent characteristics to an extent. Medical News Today describes codependency in part by stating “a person who is codependent will plan their entire life around pleasing the other person…”
Most moms at one point or another definitely fall into this category, especially when they’re caring for a newborn. But when you find yourself micromanaging your familial environment and everyone in it, to the extent that it leads to your own depletion while lessening your family’s ability to cope themselves, that’s a predicament much like the one I found myself in.
When our world became smaller and scarier simultaneously, I felt I had to morph into the fixer of literally all things in our household, lives, and even the world at large
I was the point person for internet connection malfunctions, I was the teacher for homework (and it was all homework). I had to help my teen properly write a bibliography for an essay and try to solve the emotional problems of trying to solve math problems. I needed to blot away the frustrated tears of both my kids after they sat trapped in their bedrooms on Zoom calls all day. I took on the gargantuan task of literally trying to make the world inhabitable and safe.
In those very early pandemic days that were filled with so many unknowns, I was cleaning the groceries one by one in the garage before bringing them into the house, somehow keeping our home sanitized even though there were no cleaners left on store shelves, and making sure all clothing was washed on the hot cycle.
Life became an all-you-can-eat buffet for my ravenous codependency
It reared its head to convince me I needed to solve my family’s problems and sacrifice my own sanity to make sure theirs remained intact. The pandemic presented unprecedented challenges and required us to establish a bizarre lifestyle parallel to the one we had previously been living. We switched from thriving to surviving, and I felt as though I needed to become everyone’s floatation device in the event of emergency. This left me feeling deflated and adrift.
Now my kids are back in school and my husband is back at work, and I can redirect some of my constant caregiving for others back to caring for myself. I think moms sometimes feel like we aren’t allowed to have any boundaries, but I’ve learned that modeling boundaries and practicing self-care benefits everyone. One of the best things moms can do for their mental health is to have that awareness and recognize that being everything for everyone is a task that not even superheroes can accomplish.
Instead of rescuing my kids to my own detriment, I am empowering them to care for themselves
This will equip them far better than having to rely on me and then dealing with my eventual exhaustion. I no longer think I have to do it all to make sure everyone has a soft spot to land while I feel every jagged edge on the way down. Codependency is a trait that may never entirely disappear from my personality, but being mindful of this will enable me to make healthier decisions throughout motherhood and life.
