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Family dynamics during the holidays can be problematic during normal times. But this year we’re in the thick of a pandemic that keeps getting worse every day. How can families keep everyone safe and get along at the same time?
I've been asking myself this question since my sister-in-law texted recently asking whether the family was coming to my house for Christmas. What? No! The mere idea of my family gathering together during a pandemic sent me into a panic. After I calmed down, I started to really think about it. It would be so nice for my kids to see their cousins for a social distance holiday get together. And it would be so nice for me to see people other than the ones that I live with or who I talk to behind a screen. But is it safe? How does a pandemic holiday work? And would everyone hate me when I tell them they can’t come inside the house even if it’s cold outside?
This year, it'll be a social distance holiday
On Sunday, the country reached its 10 millionth case of the Coronavirus since the Pandemic began in February, according to the New York Times. Cases have been going up and more than 100,000 cases a day were reported five days in a row the week preceding Nov. 9th. And, according to the same report, “nationwide, hospitalizations have nearly doubled since mid-September, and deaths are slowly increasing again, with few new interventions in place to stop the spiraling outbreak.”
The holidays are a concern for health officials who are warning that holiday get-togethers could contribute to even more cases. Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Expert, warned about in-person gatherings. “I think given the fluid and dynamic nature of what’s going on right now in the spread and the uptick of infections, I think everyone should be very careful and prudent about social gatherings," he told CBS News. "Particularly when members of the family might be at a risk because of their age and underlying condition. You might have to bite the bullet and sacrifice that social gathering.”
Covid-19 is serious and it should be taken seriously. What I wonder is how do families get everyone on board with the same level of seriousness without getting into an argument?
Neda Sanai, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Group Therapy LA, talked to Mom.com about how to avoid social distancing disagreements during the holidays.
Start with proper communication, she said. “Explain your concerns very clearly and concisely and don’t be afraid you're hurting the other person's feelings.” Before you get together, talk as a group and lay down the ground rules with the main goal being to keep everyone safe, Sanai advised. If an agreement can’t be met, maybe the gathering shouldn’t happen.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests that if one does have a social gathering, do it outdoors, place people in different households at least six feet apart and wear masks when less than 6 feet apart (or at all times) and when indoors. Don’t hug or shake hands, shout or sing.
Or better yet, follow Dr. Fauci's lead and celebrate safely via Zoom. Fauci told CNN that he would be celebrating Thanksgiving with his wife at home, and their three daughters would join them virtually. "We decided to make it a very, very close family type of thing," he said. "That was my decision. I'm not going to criticize people who do it differently, but look at the individual situation in your own family and make a decision that way."
How to handle family disagreements
But how do you politely say you don’t want anyone to come indoors?
Sanai recommended using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, instead of saying to your sibling that he must stay out of the house, try saying, “I don’t feel comfortable being indoors at this time.” She also said to be direct and don’t be sarcastic, which is how some families (like mine) communicate. But she’s right, of course. This is serious and it’s important to convey that and not cave if there’s a confrontation.
So what do you do after everyone has agreed how to keep the family safe for the holiday and then a relative decides to go in the house and get a utensil and doesn’t come out because it’s cold outside. Or if someone has too much eggnog and starts talking too closely without a mask?
“If you are starting to get angry, notice your anger first before reacting,” Sanai said. Think about what you’re going to say before you say it and maybe try something like, “‘Hey, can you please put your mask on. I know this is so hard and very difficult and please put your mask on.’”
Holiday dinner tips: Think carefully about serving alcohol
We’ve all been to a party that starts out great and then someone has a little too much to drink and ruins it for everyone. Drinking lowers inhibitions and impairs judgement. So how do you make sure that family still keeps doing all the safety measures you’ve agreed upon after they’ve had a couple glasses of wine?
“That would be very difficult,” Sanai said of enforcing agreed upon rules after someone has been drinking. It’s something that needs to be discussed before the gathering.
Add to this the fact that socializing while drinking can increase the odds of transmission. “Most people, when they drink, tend to stand closer and talk louder, and both of those things increase the risk of transmission,” Gretchen Snoeyenbos Newman, an infectious-disease physician at the University of Washington, told the Washington Post. As for the increased possibiity of reckless behavior that can put others at risk, Gretchen Snoeyenbos advised, “you need to be really honest about how much you’re going to drink and how that will affect your group dynamic.”
Avoiding confrontations during the holidays isn’t easy and with all that’s going on with the pandemic, it may be better to just avoid the holiday gatherings all together.
