How to Keep Your Sanity Over the Holidays

For most of us, the holidays are synonymous with stress-induced food cravings and to-do lists that rival Santa's. Try as we may to resist the stress or actually enjoy the season, it's all too common for us moms to push toward the same goal year after year—which, of course, is to single-handedly orchestrate the perfect holiday filled with perfect memories, even at the cost of our emotional, mental and physical health. In an effort to break this cycle of holiday madness, we sought the advice of Lauren Zander and Laurie Gerber, life coaches with The Handel Group who utilize their own method in helping everyone from corporate executives to stay-at-home moms better manage their time, their sanity and, thus, their happiness. Try to incorporate a few of their suggestions this season, and who knows, you may end up actually enjoying the holidays this year.

Saving holiday preparations until the week-of isn't doing your sanity any favors. Then again, neither is preparing too far in advance since it only stokes the cravings for perfection. In general, two weeks will be enough time to stay on top of your to-do list without going overboard, says Zander. Start with the invite list. Once you know who's coming, you can proceed from there.

While the holidays might mean a lapse in scheduling to some, sticking to an agenda is a guaranteed sanity-saver. Start with a family meeting where you'll create a chore chart and assign various responsibilities over the holidays. (For example, if you're hosting a holiday party, have one of your kids be in charge of answering the door and taking coats while the other is in charge of taking photos.) If you're going on vacation or visiting other family during the holidays, have each person (kids included) voice the one or two things that would make the trip most enjoyable for them. Then, devise a loose plan that will include everyone's top picks, says Gerber. When everyone is being heard and everyone has a specific role in the process, the holidays will feel much less stressful.

No one knows what irks your sanity better than you, so stop saying yes to whatever will push you over the edge. "Do your own inventory and find your pitfalls," says Zander. "Do you say yes to too many events or try to do all the cleaning yourself? Keep the stuff you love and outsource the rest." Also, break down your to-do list items into categories such as shopping, prepping, cooking, décor and cleaning. If prepping, cooking and decor are your favorite activities, focus on those and then hire personal shopping and cleaning services. Or if you're on a budget, divide these tasks among the family.

Though you certainly deserve it, you're not winning any medals for prepping, cooking and hosting the holidays all on your own. And yet, we rarely ask for help. That said, be honest about how much you like taking on the burden, says Gerber. "There is a tendency in moms, especially during the holidays to play the martyr. You decide you 'have to' be doing all of it—attending events, gift buying, wrapping, shlepping, serving, making parties—but you end up resenting everyone and burning or lashing out." Zander calls it needing a "vacation from your generosity." "If you are going to be generous, it has to truly be generous, which means you can't do it all and you can't do everything yourself," she says.

Forget stressing over the menu or whether your dishes are festive enough. If there's one thing to focus on, it's the overall vibe. When the atmosphere is fun and the conversations are lively, that will be the biggest takeaway for all of your guests, says Zander. For starters, focus your energy on making sure the group meshes well. That means being selective when creating the guest list or determining interests your guests share in common so that you can incorporate those details into the introductions.

While you may not be able to fully control your guests' behavior, you can certainly take measures to control what you can. For example, set up designated drivers in advance if you know certain family members will fight about drinking. Don't seat quibbling guests near one another. And, most importantly, "design" how you want the conversations to go, says Zander. Decide on conversation topics or activities that will bring out the best in your guests. "That way the issues that usually come up are crowded out by meaningful conversation and fun," she says.

There's nothing like a few bored children to dampen the holiday spirit (and wear thin on your sanity). Gerber suggests finding an activity that everyone, kids included, can participate in at your holiday events. One of her favorites is to have everyone pick a "fortune" from a grab bag that predicts what the next year will have in store for them. Not only will it encourage some imaginative conversations, it can be a catalyst for some lovely memories as the entire family talks and laughs together.

Remember when the holidays were filled with hours of carefree joy, frolicking in the snow? We're betting the last time that happened was when you were a kid. Yet finding time to "play" is the best way to reduce stress, notes Zander. When you feel your sanity starting to wane, revisit your favorite holiday activities from childhood. Go sledding, ice-skating or get tickets to "The Nutcracker." And maybe research some festive outings or activities your family hasn't tried before, to see if it sparks a new tradition.

Research has confirmed that how you feel physically can impact your mental well-being as well. During the holidays in particular, be cautious of associating food with love, comfort or stress relief. Equally important, don't pressure your family to over-eat or over-drink either, says Zander. As Gerber points out, eating too much often leads to exhaustion, crankiness and everyone piling on the couch in front of the TV (not exactly the magical holiday memories you had in mind). Instead, center your memories around activities over food. Get the family out for a walk to see the neighborhood's decorations or build a snowman when the temptation for seconds or thirds starts to kick in.