The Halloween-Inspired (Hilarious) Way Your Star Sign Will Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil

As Halloween nears, the air is fraught with images of ghosts, goblins and death. It's natural to wonder about our own ending. Find out what the planets have to say about how you might perish. (Not really, though! This is a joke and you are just here for a holiday-inspired laugh.)

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Cause of Death: Falling while walking across a tightrope

Never one to turn down a challenge, Aries meets her doom by walking, unharnassed, across a 30-foott-high tightrope to prove to her friends that she isn't scared of heights and is way cooler than they are. Unfortunately, she forgot to take her allergy meds that morning and a single sneeze sent her crashing towards the afterlife.

Photo via Caelie_Frampton/Flickr CC

Cause of Death: Stomach rupture (after being declared champion of the pie-eating contest)

Is there anything better to a Taurus than silky chocolate-cream filling, a flaky, buttery crust and the announcement over a microphone that she won the competition by consuming 8 pies in under 5 minutes? Maybe the sweet relief of death when her over-filled, aching stomach tears apart, killing her instantly.

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Cause of Death: Obnoxiously dancing and breaking her neck

Gemini loves to be the center of attention. While visiting the Sahara Desert on a tour, she tries to liven up the party by attempting a ballet leap in the sand. Unfortunately for her, her footwork was less than exact and she lands wrong, causing her to cascade down a dune and sever her spinal cord. Oops.

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Cause of Death: Sudden cardiac arrest after winning the lottery

Practical, persistent Cancer just can't believe their good fortune after winning a massive lottery jackpot. In fact, the combination of sheer disbelief and complete amazement are too much for this delicate crab to handle, and just a day after winning, their heart gives out. Thankfully, they had the foresight to leave their winnings to their beloved cat, Spunky, so he can live a long, catnip-filled life of luxury.

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Cause of Death: Flattened like a pancake by Helga, their roller-derby arch nemesis

Take-no-prisoners Leo has had a long beef with opposing derby girl Helga Von Hellschmidt, the biggest, baddest Brunhilda on wheels. In an unfortunate row, Leo is toppled by Helga's massive body weight and dough-rolled by 20 pairs of rollerskates that glide across her fishnet-creased, lifeless body.

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Cause of Death: Caving and eating that gas station sushi roll

Worrywart Virgo is usually so careful about what they put in their mouth, especially with their vast knowledge of every potential food-borne illness they could contract. However, their judgment is skewed one hot summer day during an extended road trip, when Virgo eats a slightly warm mystery-meat stuffed hand roll and winds up in the hospital with parasites that wormed their way into her brain, ceasing life as she knew it.

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Cause of Death: Climax-induced stroke

Loves-to-be-in-love Libra can't get enough of the good stuff with her partner, and during an extended sex session, while in the throes of an intense orgasm, she suffers a sudden brain aneurysm that leads to a stroke that, within seconds, renders her lifeless. Her partner, unfortunately, was experiencing their own release before realizing their Libra lover had perished.

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Cause of Death: Suspicious knife attack after telling her daughter-in-law how to cook

Tough-talking Scorpio was found lifeless and bloody in her son's kitchen after instructing her daughter-in-law (once again) how to "properly" make dinner. Sources claim there were no known motives or suspects, but that, among other wounds, the victim's tongue was removed during the attack.

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Cause of Death: Severe traveler's diarrhea

While participating in a celebratory festival abroad, adventurous Sagittarious threw caution to the wind and drank a cool cup of tap water after becoming parched. This semi-forgetful star sign realized too late they forgot to pack their emergency antibiotics and, assuming they could weather the stomach-storm, neglected to seek emergecy medical treatment. Their official death certificate actually reads: "shat their brains out."

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Cause of Death: Lost in a tunnel they were digging to China

Due to their persistent, never-give-up attitude, Capricorn found themselves lost miles in the earth when they realized they didn't have any remaining food or water. Too weak to climb back to the surface, this stubborn goat sign scratched their own eulogy into the magma-softened rock walls: "Keep digging even after I'm gone."

Photo via Glenn Euloth/Flickr CC

Cause of Death: Swallowed by a freakishly omnivorous elephant

While Aquarius thought she was communing with a magestic elephant, the long-trunked mammal was sizing her up as a tasty treat. While primarily herbivores, scientists believe this particular elephant mistook the Aquarius woman for a large sunflower, or possibly had developed a taste for flesh and blood.

Photo via David van der Mark/Flickr CC

Cause of Death: Asphyxia from laughing

Usually melancholy Pisces heard a hilarious joke about a farmer and a politician and couldn't stop laughing. In fact, the strange sensation of deep belly laughter was so traumatic to her body that her throat seized up and she was unable to breathe. It was reported her face was still in a "ha-ha-ha" pose at the time of her passing.

Photo via Rod Waddington/Flickr CC