Motherhood is hard enough but it’s even more so when you don’t have family support. It used to be that the family “village” was always there for you when you had children, but times have changed. For me, my parents are much older, so they're not available to me. If anything, they need me to check in on them. Many of my friends are also in this same boat — older parents that simply can’t be as helpful as they’d like to be. For others, some of their families are far away, absent or plain old dysfunctional.
Having a baby can feel like a hurdle
There is no doubt that without those helpful family hands, having a baby and young children can feel like a huge hurdle. I’m talking to you, working mom with a sick baby and no PTO days left. I’m talking to you, mom with PPD and two kids under 2.
Here are some of the challenges that come about when your family village just can’t — or won’t — be there:
Dreaded Sick Days
Let’s face it — not many college-aged kids or really, anyone, wants to watch a sick kid. But when your kid is in day care or school and germ season hits, the sick days roll in and they don’t stop.
But you don’t have any more paid time off. If you’re lucky, you can work from home and no one in the office will gossip about you. If you’re not lucky, you’ll lose pay or have the whole office gossiping about you being out, again.
Missed Connections
Your partner’s parents come to visit more than yours. You feel as if your kids don’t really know or understand your traditions. They don’t light up at the sound of your family’s names. Knowing that your kids either can’t (or in some cases, shouldn’t) know your family the way you did as a kid can be painful.
My mom and I did everything together, but now that she's older and not well, she is not so mobile. My daughter doesn’t get to experience the same grandmother that my older sisters’ kids did simply because, at 80, my mom doesn’t have the same spunk in her.
Genetic Match-Ups
Perhaps your sister had the same goofy laugh as your kiddo, but she’s gone or too far away or not in a good place right now. Or perhaps your son builds Legos with you like your grandpa once did with you.
Missing out on those moments — on those genetic “connections” — can be really hard, especially for moms who lost family members due to death. It can be like looking into the past and tearfully wishing you could change the reality of the situation.
Home Alone in the Early Baby Days
Many people have their own moms stay with them once the baby is born. For those of us who did not have that, it can feel like you’re a captain without a lighthouse signal or buoy. It can feel like you're in a racing vehicle without your hands on the wheel.
Bringing home a baby without the wisdom of someone who has “been there, done that” is difficult. We often need that one person to simply walk us off the ledge when we’re exhausted or tired. We need someone else to hold or rock the baby just one more time. We just might need something to eat.
Dreamy Date Nights
Every couple wants a date night now and then, but without family help, it’s hard. If your baby is little, do you feel ready for a babysitter to come? Can you find good and reliable help? Can you afford the help? I recommend everyone, regardless of family involvement, have a babysitter as backup, but it’s really hard to find — and budget for. But getting in adult time is important, especially for your marriage.
Mom's Sick Days
There will come a time when you will be the one puking or sneezing, trust me. You will feel like utter crap, and lucky you, your partner will be working late that very same night or be out of town. When there’s no family around to help with the kids while you clean up your own puke, you’ll feel the pain. From colds to serious illness, a mom needs a village because we all fall victim to sickness now and then.
Depressing Postpartum Hours
I was fortunate to avoid that beast known as postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, but many are not fortunate. When you’re depressed or anxious, and responsible for a young infant and maybe other kids too, you need help. It’s not easy to be at your worst around a stranger, like a babysitter, or worse, alone without help. A family member and familiar face can really make the difference when you’re going through dark times.
Those Life-Goal Moments
You need to go back to school for a special license or degree to do a number of things, like provide for your family, change your job, increase your salary or simply achieve a goal. Not every class or program is online.
Even if they are, kids don’t watch themselves. Having family to help support you as you try to reach a goal for your family’s and your own well-being makes it easier. Not having family makes it hard.
The Single-Parent Days
If you’re a single parent (raising my hand here) and don’t have family help, everything seems like an ordeal. Nothing goes simply. Everything takes time to orchestrate. From financial strife to social activities, it is a feat of wit and time management to keep it all together.
