I love having kids and I don’t regret it. But I have a confession: before I had kids, I really didn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to do it, and I was super judgy when people shared that they didn’t want kids.
Honestly, I simply didn’t understand it
Ever since I was five year old and held my new baby sister in my arms, I started counting down the years until I could have a baby of my own. I met my future-husband in high school (though I obviously didn’t know it yet) and at one point I told him that I’d rather not go to college and instead start having babies with him right away. I was that baby-obsessed.
When I heard people say that they didn’t want kids or were proudly childish, part of me assumed that they weren’t very nurturing people. I thought that something must be sort of wrong with them, because it seemed to me that we were biologically programmed to want to reproduce. Yes, I know these are terrible thoughts to have had, but I’m just being truthful here.
Now that I have two kids of my own, my thinking has changed — drastically
I love my kids to pieces, but after parenting for 15 years, I can say that I am much more stressed than my childless friends and family members. I have more gray hair, my bank account is stretched beyond belief, and some of the things I’d hoped to accomplish career-wise just haven’t happened yet (I like to tell myself they are on hold).
Again, this isn’t to knock my kids. Having them was the best thing I ever did, and was the best choice for me personally. I have zero regrets. But I see now what a huge, life-altering sacrifice it was. And not just for the early baby/toddler years, where you expect to be sleep-deprived and depleted.
Having done this for over a decade, I can see what a huge freaking investment it is. I don’t think I will ever not feel tied to my kids, even when they are out of the nest. This stuff changes your life, forever, in deep and pervasive ways.
Having kids can also exacerbate mental health conditions
I suffered a bout of postpartum anxiety with my first child, and ended up with some of the worst panic attacks that I ever had. I experienced prenatal anxiety with my second baby and it was brutal. Since then, having kids has spiked my anxiety more times than I can even count. Granted, I had an anxiety disorder before kids, and it is fairly well managed, but I can say for sure that motherhood has been a huge mental health trigger.
There are people for whom parenthood would be terrible for their mental health, and just isn’t an option. There are also those whose physical health would be exacerbated by having kids. But there are people who would rather focus on their career, or whose personality thrive in solitude, or who simply Do. Not. Want. Kids. for whatever reason.
If someone suspects that parenthood isn’t right for them, then they are 1000% right
Because parenthood will wreck you, and you should only do it if the pull toward kids is so great that you are willing to make that sacrifice. It’s not a decision you should make based on “shoulds” or societal norms or because someone else says you should.
Just as I followed my instincts to have kids, I believe every human should follow their instincts when it comes to not having kids. And I’m super freaking sorry I judged anyone for feeling that way. They were right, and I was wrong. Full stop.
