Who would’ve thought that caring for a child could stir up so many emotions? I wasn’t prepared for all the strong feelings I felt when I first heard them cry. After 30 years of living, I believed I knew myself, I believed I had my emotions under control. However, the guilt, the overwhelm, the doubt and confusion that boiled to the surface every hour were affecting my reactions and poor choices.
When I said I wanted to become a better parent, I realized I had to re-parent myself
A lot of the negative emotions I felt were somehow implanted on me — not by me. Some were carried on from my own childhood, some were societal views, and some were created by comparison.
I opened myself piece by piece, examined everything, every emotion, every reaction, every decision. I studied, took notes, took another honest look, asked questions, ran tests, practiced a lot, chewed on some more… and I'm still picking up the pieces and trying to put it all back together.
You can try patching yourself here and there, try using some shortcuts and tricks, but realize you can't. You can only go through it. You must do the work.
It’s heavy but it's the only way
You live your days with your broken heart in your hands, scared to drop it all the time. You’re lonely because this journey is personal. You’re so confused and lost most of the time. You’re also vulnerable and raw while you hold that child in your arms every day.
And one day you start filling those holes with new things, new emotions, new thoughts, new confidence you picked up along the way until it overflows to those around you. You find yourself genuinely smiling, enjoying the present, staring at your child, and not seeing you back anymore.
You learn that your fears, your thoughts, your life lessons are yours — and only yours
You hold space for that child to grow at his own pace. Before you know it, you stopped carrying the old tale that once haunted you and wrote a whole new story on your own.
