It wasn't a shock that my third child was big. He and his older brothers all came early, fully-developed and ready to take on the world. Each one clearly takes after their 6'4" 300-pound football player dad. I'm tall but with a more slender stature. With my dark features contrasting against their blonde hair and blue eyes, it's not uncommon for strangers to ask if I'm the nanny.
I get it! These are hefty monster children. Indeed, it seems unfathomable that they came into the world by anything short of a divine co-mingling of the Hulk and Xena: Warrior Princess. Yet here they are. And the public at large seems determined to marvel over every single aspect of their gigantic bodies.
These are the nine most common remarks I hear about my big babies.
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- __He must eat A LOT. Y__es, yes he does. I have no idea how we're going to fund the food-fest once he gets into high school. Donations are appreciated.
- Did you get an epidural? There is no right answer to this. If I say yes, people seem disappointed to hear I threw up a white flag in the middle of an Olympic marathon. If I say no, the asker's eyes bug out of their head like I'm an alien freak. I know that they're trying to picture the sheer physics of the situation. To push out a baby like that with anything short of forcep assistance, I must possess horrifyingly mangled nether regions.
- Why isn't he walking/eating solids/talking/doing backflips like other kids his size? Because he's a BABY.
- Is he…? This awkward half-question is closely related to the performance question above. As my children have gotten older, there have been a number of people who think that they're developmentally delayed due to their infantile behavior. It's clear that they want to inquire about it, but trail off as they realize midway through that they're being totally rude.
- Did you have gestational diabetes? Nope. For what it's worth, I also didn't take any performance-enhancing drugs.
- Are you still nursing? This is another question I can't win. Answering affirmatively often leads to a weird conversation in which the other person doles out nutrition advice. If I say I'm not nursing, most people think I must be stuffing my child with Cheetos and Oreos.
- You should give him a pacifier. Again, it seems I'm being "blamed" for the stature of my child. People often assume that I'm feeding him anytime he's cranky or teething, and they like to suggest I find alternative solutions such as a binky or rocking and shushing. Thanks for all the concern, guys, we've got it covered!
- Is he yours? No, I took him from this dude name "Thor" I spotted aimlessly wandering the streets.
- Do you get tired of carrying him? Well, yeah. But think of all the money I'm saving on a gym membership!
Have you fielded any strange big baby questions?
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