Not one to be particularly vain, I never thought I'd seriously look at boob lifts or Botox. After passing multiple human beings through my body, though, things are looking a little worse for wear.
The birth of my second child led to a couple of unanticipated surgeries to "fix" some crucial components that he destroyed on his way out. Perhaps that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Once that many needles and knives come in direct contact with your skin, it starts to seem a bit like a home renovation. As long as you're going through all this hassle, you reason, your body should be in the best shape possible. "Why am I just patching things? Why not upgrade a little?"
1. Botox
My big fear about Botox is that my face will be frozen in some grotesque position indefinitely. Some mornings, though, I look in the mirror and wonder if the gamble might be worthwhile. Can it really get any worse than this?
RELATED: 11 Things Your Boobs Look Like Post-Baby
2. Laser Eye Surgery
All the arguments against this surgical enhancement no longer apply. I used to tell myself that taking a few extra minutes to pop some contacts in every morning was no big deal. Now, with three kids who like to wake up at 5am, every extra minute of sleep that I can finagle is a big deal. A very, very big deal. Glasses don't work out well when you're juggling a grabby baby, either.
3. Boob Lift
Honestly, my boob size has never made much of a difference to me. My breasts are broad but shallow, much like the conversations I have with the other moms at school pick-up. I've always been perfectly happy with that. The sagging, however, took me by surprise. Now they're not only flat, but they're also floppy, which is a depressing payoff for years of breastfeeding.
4. Underarm Hair Removal
This is another thing that I just don't have time to deal with. It seems like picking up a razor wouldn't be a big effort. In reality, squeezing in a shower of any sort requires multi-calendar coordination. Forget having one lengthy enough for actual grooming! I hear earth fanatics are growing their pits out in protest. Maybe I can jump on that bandwagon.
I dream of a wash-and-go haircut, and word on the street says that this actually makes it achievable.
5. Invisalign
Retainers be damned, my teeth are still crooked after years of braces. I'm okay with a little gap here and there, but it adds insult to injury when the dentist tells me it's about time to shell out and straighten my kids' toothy grin. That hardly seems fair.
6. Lip Injections
This is one of the latest "mom makeover" trends that's trickling in to my group of friends. Now, lips have been added to the extensive list of things we have to worry about sagging, wrinkling, and being otherwise defeated by gravity.
7. Brazilian Hair Straightening
I dream of a wash-and-go haircut, and word on the street says that this actually makes it achievable.
RELATED: Celebrity Moms' Beauty Confessions
8. Gum Grafting
This is truly necessary, as opposed to some of the nice-to-have options on the list. Months of morning sickness took a toll on my teeth. Now, I get to have someone hijack skin from the roof of my mouth and attach it to my gum line. The upside? My smile won't be so wonky anymore and I get to keep all of my teeth!
9. Fat Freezing
There is a machine out there that you can pay to step up to, let it suck your belly fat away from your body as hard as possible, and literally freeze it into submission. People are lining up to have this done. It actually far sounds more appealing than hiring a personal trainer.
