As a beauty and wellness writer, I'm introduced to the latest and greatest cutting-edge anti-aging and rejuvenating technology on a daily basis. When I got wind of ThermiVa, I perked the heck up. Or should I say, my vagina did.
Any woman who has had children knows the havoc our offspring can cause to our bodies. While the body can miraculously bounce back (more of a shuffle in most cases), the spoils of war often remain forever intact: stretch marks, saggy, deflated boobs, hemorrhoids, spider veins, melasma, etc. The list goes on. Most of these battle scars remain nicely hidden, tucked within the confines of those skinny jeans we finally fit back into. But one belly laugh at a joke or a dash for a stroller on a loose, and you've peed everywhere.
Alas, pelvic floor muscles, once a stoic dam between your pee and a world of mortification, are now a distant memory. And remember that cute little vagina that didn't send your Brazilian waxer running to hang up her Popsicle sticks? Well, that little girl is now wearing a monocle and knitting a cat sweater in a rocking chair.
When I heard there was an easy-peasy, no surgery, no downtime treatment that can perk that tired party girl up in less than 30 minutes, guess who said, "Sign my vagina up!"? Yours truly. And you thought Gwyneth was the only bitch dabbling in post-modern vagina care. ThermiVa arrived on the scene months ago, and I was now kicking myself for not having hopped on the bandwagon earlier.
When I got to the doctor's office, a very lovely, pretty young nurse named Sarah was in full charge of my vagina. She had done it herself (all the women in the office had and raved about it), and even though she was quite young and had never had kids, she loved the immediate results and so did her husband. Bud-dum-bum.
My waxer always used to say my vagina was "very organized" and "looked 18," but this girl looked like she was yet to be Bat Mitzvah-ed.
ThermiVa, in the most layman terms (I'm no doctor, in case that's not obvious), uses heat to boost collagen and create tightening. So yes, everything inside tightens up. This means, buh-bye, bladder leakage, and hello, better sex and more lubrication. After Sarah explained it all to me to me in detail, I knew my vagina was in good hands. We were both happy and excited. Me and my vaj, that is.
I hopped onto a table just like I was getting a pap smear. After I straddled up, we took some vagina selfies. Actually, Sarah did. It was the first time my vagina posed for a close-up. Not surprisingly, she wasn't camera shy. After a child or two is pulled out of your sex hole, you soon realize that you give zero bleeps who sees what anymore.
(Wow, have you ever taken a close-up of your vagina? I don't recommend it, unless you're about to get it a ThermiVa. I was mesmerized and semi-traumatized. A vagina is a hell of a lot of anatomy.)
Sarah explained what I would feel: some warmth while she gently massaged a soft wand and some gel deep inside my vagina for 12 to 14 minutes. After that, she would use the same wand and gel and do the "outside." Um, what's the problem officer? My only question, "How soon can we get this vagina party started?"
Sarah inserted the wand and the rest is history. Suffice it to say, this was the easiest and most relaxing treatment I've ever had in the name of youth. I've had lasers, peels, IPLs, fraxels, Ulthera, ThermiLift, PRP, and lord knows what else in the name of science and to bring my Groomed LA readers the cutting-edge information they crave. This was like the best hot stone massage ever, only for my inner and outer lady parts. The only hump standing between you and a redefined lady lump, is overcoming any vagina stigma you may have.
Once I was there and in the skilled hands of a professional like Sarah, I was totally relaxed and excited to get going, especially after seeing the before-and-after photos. Wowza. All I can say is my vagina is like a Michelangelo sculpture compared to some of those. We had some good laughs (sans the pee), because let's face it, this was the first time there's ever been a gorgeous woman massaging my vagina with a smooth, warm wand. At least that I can remember.
Before I knew it, I was done. We took an "after" close-up and wow, my vagina looked like she just came back from a 10-day juice fast at Canyon Ranch. My waxer always used to say my vagina was "very organized" and "looked 18," but this girl looked like she was yet to be Bat Mitzvah-ed.
This was only my first treatment, and Sarah said it will go back to looking a bit more "normal" mid-month. That's when I am due back for two more sessions, spaced one month apart. I haven't been this excited to get naked and spread my legs for someone I hardly knew since I was in college.
My first question was "When can I have sex?" She said, "Tonight!"
I couldn't wait for Manboy X to test-drive this newer, slicker model. We were all ready to go until my 5 1/2-year-old son crawled into my bed and refused to get out. I tried everything and decided to wait until he was in a deep sleep to move him back into his bed. But I was so excited to try this new vaj out, I could hardly wait that long.
"We can do it in his bed!"
"Hell no, I'm not doing it in your son's bunk bed. That's totally disgusting."
We cracked up at how ridiculous it all was and decided to hold out for another night. The good news so far is, I no longer had to hold in the pee.
*Disclaimer: The advice on Mom.com is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
