Bizarre Kids’ Toys

Have we taken kids' use of the iPad a wee bit too far? At this year's Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas one company introduced the iPotty, a device that looks like a regular potty-training toilet but happens to have an iPad stand attached to it. So, you know, your toddler can read his NYTimes app while he learns to go to the bathroom. Like all big boys do.

Photo via CTA Digital

For more than five decades, girls have been emulating Barbie, a doll with impossibly perfect dimensions. While many people claim Mattel’s classic blonde doll sets our daughters’ expectations too high, this pole-dancing doll may set them too low. Barbie is most definitely a godsend next to this lewd lady.

Photo via Melty Buzz

Made by Spanish toymaker Berjuan, this product comes with a suckling baby and special halter top that allows young girls to mimic breast-feeding. When released in 2009, the toy spurred serious controversy in the U.S. Baby Glutton’s tagline, “You shouldn't have to wait until you have breasts before you start breast-feeding,” drove many moms mad.

Photo via Spanish Pinay

This play Taser gun delivers 3.6 volts of electricity when you touch the baton to your victim’s skin and press the shock button. While the manufacturer does specify that the item is an “adult toy,” plenty of pre-teen boys have gotten their hands on the stick, which sells for a kid-friendly $3.40. While a toy tazer may be better than a toy gun, the product still encourages aggression.

Photo via Geeky Gadgets

British retailer Tesco, the maker of this pole kit that implores girls to “unleash the sex kitten inside,” was forced to remove the product from the “toys and games” section of its website following public outcry in 2006. The company claims that despite being available in the toy section, the product—which includes a chrome pole, garter and DVD of seductive moves—was obviously intended for adults.

Photo via Nevsedoma

Following complaints from parents that this doll was too realistic—her stomach pops open to reveal a curled-up fetus—Walmart pulled pregnant Midge from the shelves of over 3,000 stores across the U.S. in 2002. While the manufacturer said they designed the doll to help parents talk to their daughters about the birds and the bees, most moms thought big-bellied Midge glamorized—and even encouraged—teen pregnancy. Plus, the doll is just plain creepy.

Photo via Allie Willis

Master Toy’s GR8 TaT2 Maker promises “realistic, washable designs with dramatic effects.” While artistic kids might enjoy this toy, there’s likely a less risky but equally creative activity we could encourage our children to mimic, like painting or sculpting balloon animals, both of which don’t include the threat of Hepatitis.

Photo via 20 Minutos

While these stuffed toys are designed to make toilet training fun, they may cause your toddler to establish a bizarre affection for human waste. Playing with plush urine and feces may lead to playing with actual urine and feces, an activity that’s generally frowned upon.

Photo via Release the Freaks

More torture device than toy, four players stick a finger inside this contraption and whoever gets the electric shock loses. Sounds like fun for the whole masochistic family!

Photo via Men Kind

It’s never too early to let your kid to cuddle up with Chlamydia. While lining these toys along your teens' ceiling to remind them of the repercussions of unprotected sex may not be a bad idea, offering them up to your toddler may expose them to information better left to 7th grade health class.

Photo via Pixie and Rotter

Riding around in a grotesque one-eyed vehicle is totally "in." Your child will love sitting inside this wrinkly creature’s bloodied brain as she cruises the neighborhood making her peers cry. On the other hand, if your kid is getting bullied, this car could scare off the tormentors.

Photo via openok

MORE: 10 Toys That Actually Won't Drive You Crazy

My Little Pony meets 20th century prostitute with Struts, long-lashed horse figurines dressed in lingerie and stripper heels. Labeled by their maker as both “flirty” and “fun” these provocative ponies are also pretty disturbing. What’s next? Sexualized Big Bird?

Photo via Essential Kids

Kids love exploring the career world, and showing them a wide array of opportunities is important … but do they really need to know absolutely every option out there? Having to explain to a 4-year-old why there has to be a hazmat crew in the first place is enough to scare us away from buying this toy.

Photo via Non-Toxic Reviews

MORE: Tragic Toys … That Should Never Have Been Made

What kid doesn’t dream of wearing a massive turd on his or her head? This product takes the Pee and Poo dolls one step further, encouraging kids to not only play with their bodily waste, but also to place it in their hair. Purchase this item alongside the hazmat crew, and you’ll kill two birds with one stone.

Photo via The Frisky

What child doesn’t want to bathe in slime? And what mom doesn’t want to spend an hour cleaning the bathroom afterward? Thanks to this product—a bath powder that turns water into phlegm-like goo—both parent and child can achieve these goals.

Photo via Gelli Baff

Designed for future criminals ages 4 and up, this kit comes with a thief, safe, money-stashing suitcase, police-thwarting gas canister, safe-cracking crow bar and a getaway car. Time behind bars not included.

Photo via Sam Turner & Sons

Wind this Japanese toy dog up and he’ll urinate on your floors. Since most parents purchase toy pets in place of real pets specifically because they won’t pee on the carpet, this product seems a tad counterintuitive.

Photo via Dala Magz

MORE: Cool Nostalgic Toys From the Past

Many kids fear the dentist. While this toy is designed to alleviate that apprehension, we’re pretty confident that handing an anxious toddler a drill and explaining that they can make a hole in a man’s mandible—just like the dentist does—will only increase their distrust.

Photo via Hasbro

Everyone can enjoy the epic battle between meat-lover and vegan with this dueling duo. Mr. Bacon and Monsieur Tofu are bizarre, hilarious and make a great gift for kids who like to play with their food.

Photo via Lega Nerd