In a Funk?
While "mom funk" might not be a phrase found in any dictionary, it's certainly a term that any mom can relate to. Maybe it's when you realize you've been wearing the same yoga pants since last week or when you finally look in the mirror and can't remember when you last stepped in a salon. Regardless of when it hits you, once you realize you've been busy taking care of everyone else that you've forgotten to care for yourself, you need to act. So what's the best way to find yourself out of a mom-funk rut? We asked life-coaching experts Lauren Zander, co-founder of The Handel Group, and Laurie Gerber, co-president of Handel Group Life Coaching, who teach everyone from stay-at-home moms to corporate tycoons how to break out of the rut—and not fall back in—once and for all.
Design Your Day
According to Gerber, one of the key components to getting your groove back is to literally design your life, starting with the day-to-day. Gerber describes it as not so much a to-do list but rather a foretelling of how your day already happened. A few examples could include: "fun playtime with the family"; "efficient meetings with great results"; "felt proud and powerful"; "made all of the right contacts"; and "got in a run." When you design your day by describing its accomplishments, it allows you to prioritize where you truly want to be spending your time. It will also help you admit how much time certain tasks actually take, notes Gerber.
Outsource When Possible
P.S.: You're not getting bonus points for doing it all on your own. And if you are trying to do it all, you're probably feeling pretty drained and frustrated by now. Be it a friend or a life coach, having an outsider look at your load and see ways they can offer support or help you handle it more efficiently will instantly alleviate stress. "Every mom is different and you have to learn to tell the truth about how much time you want to be doing mommy duty each day," says Gerber. "It's not developmentally appropriate for adults to play on a kid's level, that's why it often feels like a job—and for many—it is a paid job. If you design your day for when you're 'on' for your kids and when you're not and really stick to it, you will regain your sanity."
Trade-Off
You chose your partner for a reason, so use them wisely. Gerber's favorite trick, especially on the weekends, is to divvy up time with her partner so that one is accountable for the kids while the other one is completely free of kid duty. "It's a common misperception that everyone in the family should hang out together all the time," says Gerber. Make meal time the exception that brings everyone back together. Of course, the kid-free time goes both ways, so make sure you are able to go do something without having to haul around the kids.
Make Time for Fun
While the first step toward breaking out of the mom funk is likely some self-care, a close second is some quality mom-and-kids time. The key funk-free zone is to find opportunities where mom can do an activity she enjoys while the kids do activities they enjoy as well. And it's important to note that it doesn't necessarily have to be a shared activity. For example, Mom can read while the kids paint or play. During these seemingly individual activities, you can listen to music together or break to have a snack. This way, everyone gets to do whatever they consider to be fun and still spend special, shared time together.
Flirt a Little
When mom funk hits, chances are your relationship isn't benefiting much from it. An easy way to pull you both out of a funk? Some good, old-fashioned flirting, says Gerber. It will boost your partner's ego while making you feel confident and sexy in the process. And it gets you in the habit of looking for the qualities you want to see more of. In addition to flirting, some other good rut-breaking ideas include: lighting a candle, planning a romantic evening, wearing something cute to bed or just caring about how his day was. "It's so simple and we pretend it's so complicated," says Zander.
Schedule Time to Recharge
Finding time to nourish yourself is a must, whether that means working out or grabbing lunch with a friend. But it can't just be an afterthought. It needs to be intentionally scheduled at the beginning of each week just as you would schedule appointments or meetings, and it's up to you to make sure it happens. Try to make it the same time each day or week so the family automatically knows that Mom is "booked" from 6 to 7 a.m. or whatever times you allocate for yourself. Gerber's own rule is to have an hour to herself every day and three hours on the weekends. If you put this into the "if I have time" category, it will never happen.
Really Listen
Being engaged in the moment is a simple yet effective way to pull yourself out of rumination. It's also a good way to better connect with the important people in your life. Being present will help eradicate your own funk while ensuring your family feels cared for in the process. "Listening is a high form of respect and most people are stunned by how good it makes them feel and appreciate it a lot," says Gerber. "With our kids, we often think doing for them or teaching them is our most important role when listening is just as important."
Happiness Investments
While money may not be able to buy happiness, it can certainly provide assistance in finding it. "No matter how broke you are, your happiness and enjoyment of life is more important," says Zander. "Get help, make requests, don't be the family sherpa." If getting a life coach is what you need to get back on track, book a 30-minute consultation. If buying a gym membership that offers child care will give you a coveted hour to yourself each day, sign up. Or if booking a service like Glam Squad to come to your home during baby's nap time to give you a manicure is what will give you a boost of self-confidence, book it. Money spent toward helping you feel at your best—and thus, live at your best—is well worth the investment.
Goodbye, Guilt
A close relative of mom funk is mom guilt. And they always seem to show up as a packaged deal. If you're truly disappointed in yourself over something, make a promise to do something about it, seek advice or counsel and take steps toward making amends. Above all, let it go because it's not serving you or your family well. "You don't have to be the world's most inspiring mother. I'm not," admits Zander. "Feeling guilty means you are hiding something you aren't proud of what you designed. Figure out your formula. Own it, share it and lose the guilt."
Seek Out Inspiration
When you need a break from it all, find something that can help you transcend your current reality—a tool that you know will bring you joy. Maybe it's reading "Harry Potter," or listening to a TED Talk, or even working on your children's baby books. And sometimes, just knowing that you're not alone is the best Rx. For those times, books like "The Yoga Pants Years," "Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year" or "Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures" will remind you that motherhood is done best when maintaining a sense of humor.
Find a Morning Ritual
Mornings, before the rest of the family is awake, are a great time for moms—mostly because it's likely the only guaranteed time in the day that you will get just to yourself. Have a cup of tea, journal, meditate or do whatever you feel is necessary to getting your day (and yourself) off to the best start possible. Chances are once you feel like you're "ahead" of the game, the inevitable chaos that occurs later on won't bother you as much.
Try Something New
Whether it's stoking an old passion or trying something completely new, adding some novelty to a structured routine will help reinvigorate your week, give you something to look forward to and cultivate a newfound skill. It could also be an activity that the kids could join you in, such as learning to play an instrument, taking dance lessons or enrolling in cooking classes. Plus, it serves as a good reminder to both your kids and yourself that it's never too late to learn something new.
Turn to the Right Friends
While no one who can fully understand your situation like a fellow mom, it's also important to recognize which of those mom friends to talk to at which times. Recognize that your friends have different strengths and utilize their strengths strategically. Some are probably better listeners than others, some can probably relate to your marriage better, and some know that whatever it is that's eating at you can only be properly handled over a bottle of wine.
Practice 'The Sacred No'
You're a great mom for wanting to be at every soccer practice and volunteer at every bake sale and please everyone in your life. But is it truly making you happy? Discovering "The Sacred No," as it's referred to by the moms who went through Handel Coaching, is a pivotal moment when designing your life. Once your family's basic needs are met (meaning they're fed, clothed, loved and there's a roof over their heads), it's time to think about what you need to do for you. And if that means forfeiting the position of 'Room Mom' this year so that you can get in an extra yoga class each week? So be it.
Model Happiness
In the words of Abraham Lincoln, "Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." So if you're not happy, it's time to do something about it. And it's not just for yourself, it's for your kids too, because they probably noticed you're in a funk before you even realized it. "What we have to understand is that our children do what we do, not what we say. They are deeply learning all of our behaviors and reactions and taking them on similarly," says Zander. "When you think about a mother making sure she loves her life, including self-love and care and fun, of course, you realize it's a priority to showcase to your family! This is teaching your child how to have a great life."
