15 Mother’s Day Presents That Are Better Than Breakfast in Bed

Breakfast in bed is so overrated. It's kind of hard to cut up your omelette when it's sitting on your lap, not to mention the constant fear of coffee spilling onto your iPhone. Also, more often than not you'll end up washing those dishes at the end of the day. Know who loves breakfast in bed? Bed tray manufacturers, that's who.

There is one place breakfast in bed is appreciated though: When it's being served in a big fluffy bed in a really nice hotel. Something about paying big bucks for a room makes it sinful to even think of eating your pancakes anywhere else but underneath an expensive duvet. Also, it's really nice how those dishes just magically disappear when you're done. And who cares about coffee spills!

Nothing says "Happy Mother's Day" like a pair of big strong hands kneading your trapezius muscle until you cry "uncle." Sure, one of those "massage" coupons from your kids is a cute idea, but does a 2-year-old really have the forearm strength to get that spasm out of your back? I didn't think so.

When was the last time you spent any time in the bathroom without someone barging in asking for a snack or upset about the ending to the latest "Game of Thrones"? (One or both of these could be your husband, by the way.) Put a sign on the door telling everyone to stay away until you emerge, refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to deal with everyone else's crap.

I heard that somewhere, one time in history some kid actually did their chores without being asked. Sounds unbelievable, I know, like seeing Sasquatch or not eating chips at a Mexican restaurant. But if it happened once it can happen again, and what better time than on Mother's Day? A mom can dream, can't she?

Mt. Rushmore, an alien and the musical "Hamilton" are things I wish to see in my lifetime, and you can add "the bottom of my laundry basket" to that list. Actually, I'd much rather have those "Hamilton" tickets, but since we know that's impossible, I'll settle for the pleasing sounds of the washing machine humming without me on the morning of the 14th.

All I ask is six hours of continuous "Gilmore Girls" bingeing without someone walking in and making fun of the dialogue or mock-singing the theme song or asking me how many hours I've been binge watching "Gilmore Girls."

A bouquet of Mother's Day flowers these days will cost at least $30. For that price, you could buy a really nice bottle of wine. Or two bottles of decent wine. Or even better, 15 bottles of wine at Trader Joe's. I guarantee with all that wine on the table there isn't room for a vase, anyway.

Sure a box of expensive chocolate is a sweet gift, but what would really make me cry tears of joy is a juicy, 12-oz, nicely marbled ribeye with a peppercorn sauce. A homemade card would be a nice touch, too. And, even better is if it contained a coupon for another juicy, 12-oz, nicely marbled ribeye with a peppercorn sauce.

I don't think this one even needs an explanation. Uninterrupted, glorious sleep. No alarms, phone calls, just no waking mom up, period. Let her emerge from her bed whenever she chooses—and don't give her a hard time if she heads straight for the couch to binge-watch "Gilmore Girls" for the next six hours.

In a perfect world, on a perfect Mother's Day, a cup of fresh, strong coffee would just magically appear continuously throughout the day. If you want to really make mom's dream come true, have this accompanied by endless donuts. This would make any mom feel like she was at Disneyland—only better. Because instead of rides and lines, there was just endless coffee and endless donuts. You get the picture.

When was the last time your mom shopped just for herself, without having to throw in some detergent or poster board or diapers into the mix? Send her out with one mission: to buy something only for herself. Send her back out if she comes home with something ridiculous like groceries.

I want my family to go through the trouble of downloading some special filter or app so that in every picture of me taken on Mother's Day I look like Beyoncé. Is that too much to ask? Does it exist? Come on, Silicon Valley—make something useful for a change!

I'm not talking about giving my home a makeover—my couch and throw rugs look just fine, thank you. I'm talking about a makeover, at home. I'd like a hairstylist, a makeup artist and a manicurist to walk in my front door to take on the project that is me. Ten hours later (it wouldn't take any less time than that—I need work), I'd be a new person without ever having left my house. I might even be in the mood for breakfast in bed!

Don't panic if you haven't gotten a gift—just spend the day with me. Honestly, it doesn't matter if it's breakfast in bed, or a steak on the patio or some wine on the beach—as long as the people I love are there to share it with me. And as long as I don't have to clean it up.