I love summertime. It's the one time of year dads can really embrace a true macho holiday and let their celebratory hair fly in the breeze. Beer, BBQ and board shorts? Perfect.
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Let's load up the car and take a little road trip, shall we? Johnny, leave your sister alone or I'll pull this car over!
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Hey, babe, did you pack my onesie? You know how much I love to snuggle up while we watch the fireworks.
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Have I told you what a great job you did on the potato salad? Top notch, honey. I'm going to grab another beer—you want one?
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Dang it, Johnny, didn't I tell you to leave your sister alone? Now put down your auntie's wine cooler and give me the sparkler.
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Have you met my brother? Can you tell he's not a dad yet? Hold on a second, my husband has a hole in his unitard.
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Check out my neighbor's husband. He's so sexy. I can't tell if he's judging my tri-colored layer bars, or trying to seduce the babysitter.
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Best use of the tablecloth yet: changing diapers. Man, what did you feed that kid?
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I love you, honey, but you should really wear underwear when we have neighbors over. Ms. McGuinness just tripped over the table and dropped her Jell-O mold while checking out your crack.
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Is that my underwear in your pocket? Nice touch.
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No, darling, we aren't driving to the bonfire. I think the seven watermelon margaritas you had would agree.
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Wow, your mom really outdid herself this year. Let's get all your brothers together and take an Instagram pic … yes, ideally WITH pants on. Thanks.
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No, no, no. Water balloon fight AFTER dessert. The pies are all set up on TV trays around the driveway. Let's do the swimsuit contest first.
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Man, that hot firefighter from up the street wins every year! Not sure if we told you, boys, but the winner has to wear nothing by a swimsuit for the rest of the BBQ. Them's the rules!
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Have a safe and fabulous 4th of July and make sure to keep the fireworks away from the Speedos—they aren't flame-retardant.
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Go MURICA!
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