10 Ways to Bond With Your Stepkids

Any new stepparent will tell you that bonding with your spouse’s kids is no easy task. Post-divorce family dynamics can be challenging to navigate, and having a new parent in the mix can sometimes further complicate the situation. But, forging a strong, lasting relationship with your stepkids is still possible, if you have the right attitude—and a whole lot of patience. Here, family therapists and real moms share their stepfamily bonding tips that really work.

If you’re a new stepparent, family therapist Ramani Durvasula advises letting your stepkids set the pace for your budding relationship. __“__Many times, this entire transition is quite overwhelming for kids,” she says. “Let them lead the dance. They may need more time than you want to give, but let it breathe.”

Therapist Christina Steinorth, and author of Cue Cards for Life, says it’s important to make it clear from the get-go that you are not a substitute for the child’s original mom or dad. “Avoid phrases such as ‘I'm your new mom, or ‘I'm your new dad,’” she says. “Send the message that no one is trying to replace anyone.”

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“New stepparents need to be realistic,” Steinorth says. It’s important to understand that not all relationships are the same, she says, and that every relationship takes time to develop. “Each family has its own unique dynamic,” she adds. “Give your new family time to develop its unique dynamic, and don’t become impatient with the process.”

In addition to staying patient, it’s important for stepparents to continue to try to bond with their stepkids and not give up, says Peggy Nolan, director of The Stepmom’s Toolbox, an online resource for stepmoms. “In my work with stepmoms, I have found that many question why they haven't bonded with their stepchildren after a year or even two years,” she says. “I recommend for stepmoms to take their time, because bonding takes consistent effort.”

Bonding with your stepchildren also depends on their ages, Nolan says. “Game night or reading together may be great bonding activities for an elementary school age child. However, as they become teenagers, bonding may become a challenge,” she says. Being aware that teenage stepchildren may not be as responsive will keep you from taking their lack of attention to your efforts personally.

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Nolan, who is a stepmom herself, says she bonded with her stepkids by taking in an interest in their interests. __“__My youngest stepson and I bonded through martial arts,” she says. “He attended kickboxing with me two-to-three times a week. It was our thing. My oldest stepdaughter really enjoyed the Twilight series of books, so I read them, too. That way we could talk about them and also enjoy the movies together.”

LuAnn Schindler, who has been a teacher for over 22 years as well as a stepmom, says that assisting your stepchild with his schoolwork can be a great way to bond. “Help them study for tests or quizzes, practice reading with younger kids, or offer to be a sounding board for a speech or an essay,” she suggests.

While it might not be possible to go to every soccer game or ballet recital, if you make showing up to your stepchild’s activities a priority, the child will feel like he or she is a priority, Schindler says. However, she advises not becoming a stage mom and giving your critique of every performance or athletic feat. “Just be supportive, and only share your thoughts if they ask for your advice or want an opinion,” she says.

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Schindler used cooking as a way to bond with her stepdaughter. “At Christmas, one of my family traditions is to make Christmas candy,” she says. “I always ask her if she wants to help, and share with her her some ideas I've found. It's been a good way to connect. When I had my 50th birthday party, I was going to order cupcakes, but she offered to bake and decorate all of them.

__“__I think some stepparents feel like they have to constantly entertain when the stepkids come for a weekend visit. But it's important for the kids to see what a normal routine is like for the parent and stepparent,” Schindler says. She says that sometimes nothing beats “spending a lazy Sunday afternoon watching football, curled up with a cup of hot cocoa and a blanket just ‘chilling’ for an hour or two” as a family.