My husband and I have decided that, just 17 months after bringing our first bundle of joy into the world, we're ready to have another one. I'm not quite sure what we're thinking either, except that we're hoping to get a little more mileage out of "trying" than we did the first time around. We conceived our lovely daughter after unprotected sex just once. (I KNOW.)
Back then, when we were trying to conceive, I entered with very few expectations and was very casual about the whole thing. Our quick success has made me incredibly impatient this time around.
I was wholly unprepared for the fact that consciously trying to have a baby would make me an irrational, obsessive, nightmare of a human. I cannot get out of my own head. How about suffering with me.
Here are all of the things that are going through my mind while I wait the two weeks between ovulation and when I could potentially have a positive pregnancy test.
1. Was that gas or am I pregnant?
Every stomach rumble, cramp, ache or pain is something I try to dissect, as if I could possibly feel fetal movement at less than a week after conception.
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2. Oh, crap, I ate sushi. WHAT IF I ALREADY RUINED MY POTENTIALLY NON-EXISTENT BABY?
Cue the mom guilt and irrational fear over having given a maybe-embryo mercury poisoning.
3. How early can I take one of these tests? I mean, I could take one now. What's the worst that could happen?
Cut to me peeing on a stick, literally three days after having sex, as if my body is somehow miraculous and special and capable of being pregnant immediately.
4. UGH IT'S NEGATIVE I'M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO CONCEIVE AGAIN
We've just started, and I'm already hopeless and convinced that this entire thing is a terrible idea.
5. I'm really thirsty. Is that because I'm pregnant?
It's probably because I haven't had a drink of anything that's not coffee for the past two days—which is also probably not good for maybe-embryos?
It's only been five days, but it can't hurt to try, right?
6. UGH, NOW I DRANK TOO MUCH COFFEE BECAUSE I FORGOT I MIGHT BE PREGNANT.
I am incapable of remembering that I'm trying to conceive a baby and totally failing at treating my body like the temple I think it should be.
7. I really hope I'm pregnant. I can't wait to have another kid!
KIDS ARE GREAT.
8. I really hope I'm not pregnant.
I have no idea why I thought having another kid would be a good idea. My toddler is driving me up a wall, and there's no way I'm ready to have another kid and what if I can't do it and I fall apart and fail at life?
9. I'll take another test. Maybe it will show up this time.
It's only been five days, but it can't hurt to try, right?
10. What if I calculated wrong and I wasn't really ovulating last week? What if I'm ovulating NOW, and we've had no sex this week?
That's probably definitely what happened.
11. How did I go through the whole box of pregnancy tests already? That was a waste of $22.
It might have been because I peed on them all, one after the other, convinced that one of them would show up.
12. Do we even want another kid?
No, of course we don't. Yes, we do. No, we don't. Yes …
13. I'm DEFINITELY pregnant
Because it only took the once last time, so that must just be how that works. Anyway, a mother knows.
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14. I'm definitely NOT pregnant
Because I calculated wrong, and I ate sushi and drank coffee and …
15. Welp. My period's here.
I guess we'll have to keep trying. But here's what I'm thinking …
