Most of the gals in my friend group are well into their parenting years, but one of us is set to have her first child this summer. Before we social-distanced ourselves into isolation, a group of us threw her a shower and asked loved ones to offer her advice as she opened her gifts. One by one, relatives and friends offered her virtually the same words of wisdom: “Enjoy the baby years. They go by so fast.”
I didn't share the group’s sentiment. That’s because the baby years were a total grind that, for me, couldn’t go by fast enough. I wondered why we feel the need to set new moms up for false expectations.
Of course you love your baby, but the baby years can be anything but joyous
When you’re up all night with a teething baby, there’s nothing fast about the passing of time. In fact, time slows when you’re holding a crying infant who doesn’t want to be put down.
Some of us are just not "newborn people." And that’s just fine. It doesn’t mean we’re not good moms nor does it mean we don’t have deep feelings for our children. It does mean we like sleep, free time, and don’t enjoy our hormones playing a game of “Let’s Mess With Her Head” each and every day.
Listening to so many women try to convince my friend how the baby years are worth savoring, I wondered what’s wrong with just admitting the first year of motherhood actually kind of sucks.
Because it does
For example, there weren’t just nights I didn’t sleep more than one or two hours per night — there were weeks when I slept less in a week than I should have in one night. New moms are walking zombies who are living like college freshmen who forgot to study for finals. The only difference is, finals are over after a week. In contrast, it can be months, even years, before a baby sleeps well through the night.
Breastfeeding isn’t exactly a party, even if it goes well for you
Six to a bajillion times a day, you’re a human dairy queen, stuck in a chair you’ll need a crane to get out of. That’s not even taking into consideration what happens if you sit down to nurse your baby and forgot to pee, eat, or drink some water before they latched on.
The infant years can wreak havoc on a marriage and can test even the strongest of unions. Your body does magical things — like not bounce back as fast as that celebrity you follow on Instagram.
Friends will accuse you of changing and your mother-in-law will have plenty to say about your parenting. In fact, everyone will have plenty to say about your parenting, and your brain will be filled with an endless spin cycle of worry that would keep you up at night were you not already up.
The truth is, the baby years are incredibly hard on new moms
They can take a toll on your psyche, as well as your body, and can make you feel isolated, alone, and totally underwater. So, maybe a better piece of advice we can offer new moms is this: The baby years can suck, but they don’t last as long as they feel. Try to enjoy them and know that it’s totally normal if you don’t.
Remember, you still love your baby — even if you don’t love the baby years.
