One and Done?
A lot of moms have polar opposite reactions to having an only child: It’s either extreme loneliness or total peace. In reality, just like parenting multiple children, there’s much more gray area. But no matter your decision, avoid making your child feel like they might not be enough, says social psychologist Susan Newman, author of The Case for the Only Child: Your Essential Guide. “It puts so much pressure on a child."
Pro: You Can Indulge Them a Bit
With one child, you have the opportunity for more. “You can often give your child more emotionally, more time, more resources, more life lessons and more attention,” says Newman. “This often shows up in test scores, overall academic achievement and their motivation level. Only children tend to do a little bit better.”
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Con: You Can Also Spoil Them
But remember, more isn’t always better. “Having the availability of resources and focused attention may lend itself to providing for the child’s every whim and desire,” says Virginia-based psychologist Samantha Madhosingh. “Important skills for all kids to learn as they grow and develop are … learning to cope with small doses of disappointment and frustration [to develop] resilience. If a child is given everything they want when they want it, these important skills do not have room to grow.”
Pro: You Don’t Have to Divide Your Time
You can help them do homework and then take them to soccer, without worrying about doing the same for three more. “The extreme advantage is that your child doesn’t have to share his mom or dad,” Newman says. “They get your full time and attention.”
Con: You Could Smother Your Child
As she grows, don’t let your child use you as a crutch. You don’t have to watch out for her 24/7, fighting every battle she encounters. “Helicopter parents hover over kids' every move. You don’t want to do that,” says Newman. “Let your child solve their own problems. As a parent, it is natural to be protective, but parents with one child can fall into the trap of shielding their child too much. Step back so your child can settle their own disputes with friends and solve their own problems with teachers. Of course, step in when necessary, as any parent would.”
Pro: There's No Sibling Rivalry
Relish it, mom: No throwdowns between kids, no name-calling in your ear on a daily basis and no insults between two sparring little ones. “There is a lack of sibling rivalry with an only child,” Newman says. “Your child isn’t comparing or having their self-esteem chipped away at all the time.”
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Con: Put too Much Pressure on Them
Just because they doesn’t feel the pressure from another brother or sister, doesn’t mean they won’t feel it from you. “Avoid being a ‘fishbowl’ parent,” Newman says. “Without siblings to divert a parent’s attention, parents tend to notice every misstep an only child makes. Allow your child the freedom to ‘get away with’ minor transgressions you would probably miss if your attention were on more than one child.”
Pro: You Get Quiet, Alone Time
The world is much quieter with one, as opposed to three, four, five or more. You have time to focus on your child, but you also have time to focus on just you and what you want in life. “One child is exceedingly manageable. One child allows you to be your own person,” says Newman, who also stresses that with extra time, you need extra interests. “Develop interests beyond those involving your child. Having other things to occupy your time and mind will help to ensure a singleton’s happy childhood and success as an adult.”
Con: They Wonder Why They Can’t Have a Sibling
There usually comes a point in every only child’s life when they wonder, "But why don’t I get a brother or sister?" Be honest, but keep details light. “I am a firm believer in being as truthful with children as possible,” says Madhosingh. “They don’t need to know all the details, but tell them what you can in age-appropriate terms. Be gentle about it, but be truthful. Whether it’s because you can’t have any more children or even if you simply don’t want anymore and just want to shower all your attention on one child, tell them.”
Pro: Your Child Learns to Interact With Adults
Spending more time with a mature mom rather than a same-age sibling means your child may have a tendency to relate to adults better than their peers. “There is an increased vocabulary, and they’re generally very articulate, as well as socially mature due to more adult exposure,” Madhosingh says.
Con: Your Child Doesn’t Learn to Interact With Other Kids
While relating in a mature manner is great, your child is not a little adult. Schedule playdates, so he won’t experience major separation anxiety when he hits school age. You still want him to enjoy being a child and develop friends—even if it’s just one or two. “Socialize your child early,” says Newman. “Be sure they are out and about with children their own age to help sharpen their sense of cooperation, sharing and empathy for others beyond what you emphasize at home. In peer settings, they will also learn how to argue and stand up for themselves."
