If you're planning to breastfeed, a hospital lactation consultant will show you different positions for holding the baby while nursing. You'll hear terms like "cross-cradle," "side-lying" and "football hold." These are fine and dandy for early breastfeeding, but trust me, your growing baby will have other ideas.
Here are the real nursing holds you won't read about in books, but every breastfeeding mama knows:
1. "Pound the Ketchup Bottle"
While nursing, the baby uses a free hand to bang rhythmically on your boob, as if trying to get more milk to come out.
2. "Hooter Hider Hater"
Baby flails his little arms and legs in a windmill motion, successfully removing any and all discreet coverings from your boobs.
3. "Titty Twister"
One of your nipples is busy giving milk. The other nipple is being spun like the Wheel of Fortune. Because Baby's other hand needs something to do, apparently,
4. "The Pogo Stick"
You're wearing your baby upright in an inward-facing carrier, so her face is smushed against your boobs. As you're cruising through the market, she's hell-bent on nursing, bobbing up and down trying to latch.
5. "Yanking Your Chain"
Do you like to wear jewelry? Nursing babies love it when you do, and often show their enthusiasm by trying to choke you with your own necklace or rip your earlobe open using one of your hoops.
6. "Tennis Match"
Your easily distracted older baby spends a few seconds nursing, then a few seconds looking around the room at ANYTHING that catches her attention: the dog, the TV, big sister, a shadow. Some babies will release the nipple when swiveling their heads back and forth to look at stuff, while others will attempt to take the nipple with them.
7. "Lift the Flap"
Does your baby like reading "Dear Zoo" or "Where is Baby's Belly Button?" Maybe that will explain why he keeps raising your shirt and demanding to nurse.
8. "The Greg Louganis"
Baby's doing something totally unrelated to feeding, like getting her diaper changed, when she dives straight off the changing table onto your chest. Must. Nurse. Now.
9. "The Helen Keller"
While nursing, baby "reads" your face with her hands, leaving no feature untouched by her tiny probing digits and razor sharp fingernails. Do not be surprised if her fingers find their way into your mouth, where she will try to extract your teeth.
10. "Mountain Climber"
Say you're doing something totally ridiculous like trying to sleep on your back. If your baby happens to be there, she may attempt to scale Mount Mama on her hands and knees in search of booby. You'll wake to the mountain climber snacking away atop your Grand Tetons. Whatever works.
