When you have kids, suddenly you understand why people laugh when standup comedians make jokes about escaping your house. When you live with people who actually say things like "MOMMY GET MY THING!" even a trip to the car wash can feel like the spa. Well instead of scouring Trip Advisor for your next mom-cation, here are some real mom reviews of some solo getaway places closer to—or actually in—your home:
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Bathroom:
3 out of 4 stars
You can't beat the privacy of a bathroom getaway—as long as you have a lock on the door. And it's got amazing amenities like water and free toothpaste. Make sure to pack reading material or at least your smartphone for your trip. The only downside is the early checkout time: you're technically not allowed to stay much longer than a half hour, max (and only when booking the shower package) before the management comes looking for you asking what the hell is going on.
Backyard:
2 out of 4 stars
The backyard is an excellent jaunt for those who like the great outdoors, and has the added bonus of seeming like you are doing your spouse a favor by selflessly volunteering to do yardwork (seasoned backyard goers know to pack some podcasts or even something to smoke during the journey.) Two stars taken away, however, for actually having to do yardwork (see also: the kitchen, the laundry.)
The drive there, the characters you see, the products you optimistically imagine your children eating, the magazines you look at during the hopefully long checkout line are all a little taste of heaven.
Bed
1 out of 4 stars
You'd think with the location and comfort of bed, it would be an escape getaway spot. However, despite its luxury, bed is situated in an extremely inconvenient place. At any given time you are subject to calls and interruptions from spouses and children and the "Do Not Disturb" sign does not work, especially when your small concierges are savvy enough to figure out the old "pry the eyelids open" technique. Additionally, bed is likely to be haunted by the memory of being the place where you got yourself into this mess in the first place. Do not book a stay in bed unless you're the only one around.
Grocery store:
4 out of 4 stars
Every part of a trip to the grocery store sans child is a treat and an adventure. The drive there, the characters you see, the products you optimistically imagine your children eating, the magazines you look at during the hopefully long checkout line are all a little taste of heaven. Make sure to smile encouragingly at other parents who did bring their children along, and don't skip sitting in your car in the parking lot afterwards reading all your emails and catching up on Instagram before you head home.
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Garage
2 out of 4 stars
In terms of vague family responsibilities, you can't beat the garage in terms of longevity of stay. Whatever you're doing is probably very important (repairs, cleanup, snow blower maintenance) and your partner is probably so grateful for your efforts that you might get an entire hour to yourself. The downside is that it's the garage and lacking a bit of the comforts of home (that is, unless your home smells of gasoline.) That said, who cares?! Smart garage-goers stow a survival pack in a little-used corner of the space. Sample items include a magazine, granola bars and a big bottle of whiskey.
