You probably thought all of your friends were crazy when their lives turned upside down after their first child. But you, a first-time mom, are about to see what it's all about.
You could read the following as a warning, but who are you kidding. You'll do all 14. It's part of being a first-time mom.
1. Check that the baby's alive
What was that sound? Is the baby OK? Is the baby still breathing?
We all did it. So, feel free to press your ear against your baby's lips—make sure that your baby is still breathing. Just don't wake him up!
2. Overpack the diaper bag
I don't know about you, but I was pretty excited to get a diaper bag. I made sure to buy one that had pockets for bottles, diapers, wipes, hand sanitizer, poopy diaper bags, burp cloths, muslin blankets, change of clothes … Well, you get the idea.
3. Refuse to allow strangers to touch your baby
My kids were both preemies, so I treated every stranger as if he or she had ebola. Don't you dare touch my baby! But, germs can be a good thing. My doctor always told me that kids who were raised on farms had better immune systems than city kids. Which I took to mean: Let your kids rub their hands in dirt. It's not going to kill them.
4. Check that the baby's alive
OK, you know what? I get it. I did it too. Secret confession: Even though my kids are 5 and 3, I sometimes still do.
5. Sanitize every bottle
Dishwasher? Oh no, not for the first-time mother's bottles! Those bad boys go into the sanitizer and then get hand dried. By the time your second kid arrives, you'll be so busy chasing around your first kid that you'll completely forget to bring the sanitizer up from your basement storage.
6. Do multiple loads of laundry each day
There are never enough burp cloths, crib sheets, onesies and blankets. The washing machine runs full blast through all hours of the day.
7. Check that the baby's alive
Did you hear that?
8. Wash the car seat covers every time they get dirty
A little spit-up on a car ride? For the first-time mom, that's reason enough to pull off the car seat cover and throw it into the wash. I mean, she's already throwing a load in anyway.
9. Shopping cart covers
Germs. There is nothing scarier to a new mom than the threat of germs. And supermarket cart germs? Simply the worst kind.
10. Check that the baby's alive
Seriously, did you hear that?
11. Hand sanitizer
When I had my first child, I bought out my local CVS's supply of hand sanitizer. I literally bought out the entire stock. I had to make sure I had one in every bathroom, by every door, in every spot where a visitor might get his or her hands dirty.
12. Buy too much clothing
They're going to grow out of it in three months, I promise. Embrace hand-me-downs. Hand-me-downs are your friends. Don't want to recycle? You only need five onesies, five pants and five shirts (see: No. 5).
13. Dress the baby up in fancy clothes
Yes, the clothes are cute. But, yes, they are going to get completely ruined with spit up, poop, breast milk and formula. Your baby does not need to be in an expensive, extravagant outfit for every trip to the supermarket.
14. Check that the baby's alive
This time I really DID hear something.
15. Check that the baby's alive
Did you hear it, too? Is the baby OK?!
