When I imagined breastfeeding in the days before having my children, I sort of envisioned the experience being akin to Botticelli's "Birth of Venus" painting — my hair blowing, ever so slightly, in the wind with a lovely and serene glow about me as I gazed down at my precious child. I would exude all the ethereal Earth Mama vibes as I sustained human life with my very own body, and it would be pure magic.
Clearly, I was delusional. I mean, the part about sustaining life with food I made in my very own milkshake-makers is totally true and pretty badass if you ask me, and certainly breastfeeding does have its lovely moments. But sometimes, well … let's just say, sometimes it's a lot less like what I had pictured in those childless fantasies of yesteryear.
Here are just a few times when the struggle was a little too real for those of us who are breastfeeding mamas:
-
Day 3 postpartum (or whenever the milk first comes in.) Holy porn star boobs.
-
When you hear a baby cry at the grocery store and start feeling your milk let down.
RELATED: Is Breastfeeding a 3-Year-Old Much Weirder Than Breastfeeding a Baby?
-
Realizing you forgot to wear nursing pads when you hear the aforementioned baby crying and end up (very obviously) leaking through your shirt.
-
The fact that all wardrobe choices revolve around the very important question: "Can I pull my boob out of this?"
-
Wearing a dress and having to go nurse in your car with the entire thing pulled up practically over your head.
-
When the baby falls asleep still attached to you and you really have to pee.
When the rhythmic sound of your breast pump haunts your dreams.
-
When a curious older sibling flips up your nursing cover while you're trying to be discreet, and a very public flashing situation commences.
-
When someone asks if you had pancakes for breakfast and the answer is no. Your sweat just smells like maple syrup from all the fenugreek you're taking.
-
Sweating. ALL. THE. TIME.
-
When your baby finally sleeps through the night, but you don't because you woke up in the wee hours of the morning with huge/painful boobs and are lying in a puddle of your own breast milk.
RELATED: The Breastfeeding Tip That Saved Me: Wisdom From Moms Who've Been There
-
The awkwardness that is the pumping bra.
-
Missing out on that extra glass of wine, because you don't want to have to "pump and dump."
-
When you're trying to nurse on the downlow during church or at a library, or somewhere equally quiet, and your baby decides to loudly chug like a frat boy doing keg stands.
-
When you legitimately cry over spilled milk, because you spent so long pumping it.
-
When the rhythmic sound of your breast pump haunts your dreams.
