So, you think you have mastered the English language. You're sure you know the meaning of these commonly used words, right? But then you have kids. And you realize that these words you thought you knew take on a whole new definition once you become a parent. Here are 11 words that you've had to relearn since having kids, with brand-spanking-new definitions.
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1. Tired
Pre-Kid Definition: Feeling sleepy.
Post-Kid Definition: EXHAUUUUSTED. Frickin' BEAT! A condition usually brought on by severe lack of sleep which happens night after night with no recovery. Every muscle in your body aches. You feel like you just competed in two Iron Mans back to back. Your eyeballs burn. SO, SHUT UP, PRE-KID DEFINITION!
2. All-nighter
Pre-Kid Definition: An entire nighttime period spent partying and having fun. No sleep is experienced because one is too busy drinking, dancing, and being free. Being so free and alive. So free …
Post-Kid Definition: An entire nighttime period spent up with your baby or toddler who is crying incessantly and won't go back down in her mother-'effing crib. Like, she won't stop crying, and it's making your face melt. And this goes on all night long.
3. Quickly
Pre-Kid Definition: Doing something with swiftness, efficiency, in a short amount of time.
Post-Kid Definiton: Leaving the house before noon. Or getting out of the grocery store in less than two hours.
4. Eating out
Pre-Kid Definition: Going to a restaurant and enjoying a leisurely meal wherein you eat and possibly have a glass or two of wine while you talk about world issues and/or the latest episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Post-Kid Definition: Going to a restaurant with the hopes of getting food in your belly before you a) either leave voluntarily with ranch dressing across your shirt and tears in your eyes, or b) are kindly asked to leave by the restaurant manager after more than three surrounding tables complain about the croutons flying from the circus happening at your table.
5. Nap
Pre-Kid Definition: A brief episode of sleep, usually taken mid-day to rejuvenate and reenergize. Perhaps taken in a hammock after just a few beers or a delicious, slowly eaten meal.
Post-Kid Definition: Something that is a daily struggle to get your baby or toddler to do; something that doesn't exist for you anymore, honey.
6. Pants
Pre-Kid Definition: Trousers or nicely ironed slacks or skinny jeans.
Post-Kid Definition: As in, yoga.
7. Sex
Pre-Kid Definition: Hot, torrid, and potentially spur-of-the-moment boot-knocking that happens often and anywhere.
Post-Kid Definition: A major event. Likely put on the calendar. To occur in your bedroom, done quietly as to not disturb young housemates, in an amount of time usually cut short by said housemates with a "MAAAAAHHHMMMM!" Or just crying, either of which pretty much kills the mood.
8. Gross
Pre-Kid Definition: Very unpleasant, foul, even repulsive.
Post-Kid Definition: BOW DOWN TO ME, PRE-KID DEFINITION!!!
9. Chillin'
Pre-Kid Definition: Relaxing. Taking time to do absolutely nothing. Kicking it.
Post-Kid Definition: This word does not exist.
10. Acceptable
Pre-Kid Definition: Able to be agreed upon. Suitable.
Post-Kid Definition: Whatever you can do — be it begging, bribing, or surrendering — to get your small child to just put on her stupid pants.
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11. Love
Pre-Kid Definition: A feeling of deep affection or attachment.
Post-Kid Definition: You never knew how your heart could burst with such happiness and intense affection for a tiny little human that looks sort of like you. Your soul lights up when you see him. Your heart aches when you are away from her. And you can't even begin to imagine your life before they were in it. Even if you actually got sleep back then.
Another reminder that once you have children, everything changes — even the definitions of words.
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