My boobs need a lift. "They just need to look a little taller," I think to myself, "like wearing a pair of perky stilettos." That's the decision I've come to after examining them in the mirror for the past 10 minutes.
See, I used to have really good boobs. I'm not bragging. I'm just telling the truth. My girls were good. They weren't big, which was always just fine with me, but they were perky and alert, like a soldier saluting the flag.
And then I had kids, and my girls started to look like a depressed, out-of-shape version of their former selves. Sure, the bottoms are still perky, but who needs that? That's like saying, "My butt starts at the back of my knees, but otherwise it's great." The sides of my boobs are full too, which would be wonderful if the definition of great tits meant they start on your back.
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And then there's the bra issue. If you're like me, you didn't need to wear a bra in your former life as a person whose boobs hadn't yet served as the sole source of nourishment for a few human beings. But post-baby I didn't just need a bra, I need a pulley system to keep my boobs from careening toward the ground.
Some ladies find their once pert boobs have shrunk post-baby. Others would tell you their boobs look like a smashed minion from "Despicable Me." But bigger or smaller, there's one thing every lady's boobs after kids have in common—they all look like one of these things. Feel free to add your own if I've missed any good ones.
1. Ski slope
When you stop nursing, your chest will look like something Lindsey Vonn will tackle for the gold.
When you're nursing your little one, you'll have a dream rack. When you stop nursing, your chest will look like something Lindsey Vonn will tackle for the gold. That's because your children will suck the tops right off your boobs, making them look like a very steep ski run.
2. A bad nose job
Everyone knows that girl in high school who pretended like she didn't spend spring break getting her nose done. But the terrible results were a dead giveaway because that quirky bump she had was clearly shaved into a very steep slope. Your post-baby boobs will have a very steep slope just like the girl in high school's nose.
3. A three-day old helium balloon
Three days after your kid's birthday party, your ceiling will still be covered with the giant numbered or initialed balloon you got for the party. But the balloon won't have all its helium and will look soft and droopy. So will your boobs after you have babies.
4. A half-eaten doughnut
A half-eaten donut is a circle that's missing a part. So are your hooters after having a baby: still there but missing something.
5. A broken compass
If you've ever tried to use a compass that doesn't point due north, you know that the needle spins around and around and gets close to north but never quite makes it. Well, don't expect your post-baby nipples to point north any longer. They'll point north-adjacent, but they won't quite make it.
6. The pancake no one wants to eat
Every time I make pancakes, there's always one that no one wants to eat because the shape didn't turn out right. Boobs after baby are no different, minus the buttermilk and syrup.
7. A trail map
Be prepared for your boobs to look like a trail map of the Wild West.
There's nothing you can do to prevent or repair stretch marks. Stretch marks are a genetic thing, so chances are if your mom had them, you will too. But if you get them on your boobs when pregnant or nursing, be prepared for your boobs to look like a trail map of the Wild West. Motherhood is kind of like the Wild West anyway, so maybe it's fitting.
8. Someone who slouches
Sadly, my once pert boobs look like a person with really bad posture. If only I could tell my tits to sit up straight like I tell my kids!
9. A sail on a day with no wind
Ever try to take a sailboat out on a day with no wind? That sail just hangs there and flops around. So will your boobs once your babies suck the wind out of them. Oh, well. At least the view is good!
10. A stretched-out sock
Socks have a shelf life before they get all stretched out and won't shrink back to shape. Once they've lost the elasticity, a toddler's sock will look like it could fit on an NBA player's foot. Your boobs won't stretch out quite that far, but they won't return to normal either.
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11. An ice cream cone that melted before it was eaten
My kids always leave over half of their ice cream cones, so they just sit on the table, a perfect mound on one side and a dented soggy mess on the other. It's not too far off from a post-baby boobie, but thankfully the boob won't technically melt.
And while it's fun to make fun of our post-baby boobs, the truth is there is nothing more beautiful than motherhood. So flaunt your deflated rack. You still look great, and so do your boobs!
