Three minutes into my pumping session, the damn lights shut off. I kept forgetting that the bathroom lights in the communal kitchen where I worked were motion-sensor. So I start flapping my arms like drunk bird until the lights turn back on, around 30 seconds. Another three minutes go by, the lights go off and, again, I flap. This sequence repeats itself for the entire 15 minutes I pump. As I exit the bathroom, sweating from my unexpected aerobics, all I can think is man, I have pumped in some weird-ass places.
I tried my damndest to make breastfeeding work for my second daughter. We cried, I finger fed, I even took the creepy advice of my lactation consultant and "romanced her back to the breast" with a syringe full of breast milk while she was latched EIGHT TIMES A DAY. In the end, exclusively pumping meant she would get the liquid gold and I could save my sanity. You'd be surprised how far you can get with just a travel pump and a breastfeeding cover, and the situations it creates are priceless. Here are 10 of the strangest places I've pumped.
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1. My car (while my husband drove)
How did I get the magic back into my relationship after the birth of my second kid? I find nothing sets the mood quite like hiring a sitter and going out to our favorite restaurant together. The fact that I need to whip 'em out and milk myself on the drive over? ICING ON THE CAKE.
2. My car (while I drove)
Two kids means I have little free time, so I've become a beast when it comes to multitasking. I set everything up under my seat belt prior to actually driving (because safety first), and I've only accidentally flashed, like, three truck drivers. I like to think it was the highlight of their day.
'Are you OK? What's going on in there?'
3. My friend's car on the way to dinner
The words "Oops, I got milk on your dashboard" may have been uttered. This wasn't awkward AT ALL. Nope. Not one bit.
4. My Uber
The key to this one is ordering an SUV or minivan, sitting in the way back like a diva and blasting the radio to cover any noises. Milk from my breasts is probably not the only body fluids ever to grace the car, and hey, at least I'm not giving birth and naming my spawn after the company.
5. A journalism conference
Let me set a scene for you. A small 100-person journalism conference, mostly attended by women—and only two bathrooms with two stalls each. Between taking up a stall for 15 minutes straight and the constant whirring of my pump? You just KNOW one of those ladies published a hate essay about me.
6. An Austin jazz club
The pros: awesome background music while pumping. The cons: The woman who knocked no less than four times during my session, eventually asking, "Are you OK? What's going on in there?" Turns out, if you need privacy, just yell "I'm pumping!" as loud as you can. Instant silence.
7. In an airplane
To be clear, this was in my seat, not in the cramped plane bathroom. Bonus points for confusing the hell out of the flight attendant, who saw me wearing my breastfeeding cover while sitting next to the baby.
8. A comedy show
Hearing 200 people laughing their asses off while you pump is surprisingly anxiety-inducing. Are they laughing at a joke or the crazy lady who brought a breast pump to a stand-up show? Probably a little of both.
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9. Gay night club
It's nice to know that you are the LEAST weird thing to happen in the bathroom that night.
10. Super Bowl 50
You haven't lived until you've pumped in the club level bathrooms at the Super Bowl. So clean. So quiet. SO MANY STALLS. I also created a new life goal that day: #PumpwithBey. Turn your dreams into goals, people.
